(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

WadetheWise said:
clubchick, can you give me some more bad jokes?
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ok so this guy walks up and sees three hippos standing in a row, all wearing dark sunglasses, goatees,
and snapping their fingers sorta boho style...
the man asks the first hippo, "why are you snapping your fingers?"
hippo replies (snapping his fingers all the while) "i'm snappin' my fingers cuz i think i'm cool"
so he walks to the second hippo and asks again "why are you snapping your fingers?"
second hippo, still snapping his fingers replies, "i'm snappin' my fingers cuz i think i'm cool"
so the man walks to the third hippo and asks, "why, then, are you snapping your fingers?"
the third hippo, still snapping his fingers, replies "i got a booger on my finger and i can't get it off"
 
LOL
Q: why do mice live in holes?
A: They were raised that way.

LOL
 
There were 3 tomatos: a momma, a poppa, and baby tomato. they were walking down the street but the baby tomato wasn't fast enough walking with the adult tomatoes. so the poppa tomato goes over to the baby tomato and swishes him and says "Catch up."
 
what do little ghosts wear?
Pillowcases

What color are they?
Boo!

What do little ghosts wear on their feet?
boo-ties

What game do they play?
peek-a-boo!

Where do little ghosts go swimming?
in lake eerie

what kind of bats swing upside down?
acro-bats

What kind of batgs know their ABCs?
alpha-bats

why are demons always so slinny?
they get lots of exorcise.

how do skeletons deliver the mail?
by boney (pony) express

what do you get if you cross a pony and a ghost?
whinny the boo

when does a lawyer make coffee?
when he has sufficient grounds

why was the calendar so sad?
its days were numbered
 
Back to Blondes

Why can't the blonde make kool-aid?
She can't fit two quarts of water in the little package!

Why did the blonde carpenter throw away half of her nails?
The pointed end was on the wrong side!
 
Hard to Please

Hard to Please

Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the evening when she got home from work.So, being the handy sort of guy that I was, I made her a riding lawnmower.


I guess I thought she would squeal with delight and give me a big hug.


To this day I have never been able to understand







why women are so hard to please.










riding%20lawnmower.bmp



 
Saw this one last night on You Bet Your Life with Groucho Marx.

Two men are sitting at a table in a bar. One of the men says to the other "I'm 85 years old and I have never had a need for glasses"

The other man asks why not.

"Because I always drink my liquor straight from the bottle!"






The other man says "Well I'm 86 years old and I have you beat! I've never worked a day in my life."

They got even with him though. He died some months later and when they cremated him they put his ashes in an hourglass. He's been working ever since.
 
this is great if you're the type of person who can keep a straight face. i'm a bit too goofy and expressive to tell this one :p

did you hear about the problems they're having in Iraq right now with thefts of prescription drugs? especially erectile dysfunction meds- because of the stress levels the people are undergoing over there with elections and the war, men are having a tougher time "getting it up". well, apparently the latest is a group of three men who stole almost a million dollars worth of viagra. U.S. soldiers as well as the Iraqi guard are now on the lookout for three hardened criminals.
 
this is the same type of joke, you have to keep a straight face:

did you hear about the baby boy that was born with no eyelids? Yeah, they say that the only naturally lubricating skin like your eyelids is your penis. So when they circumsized him, they attached that and made eyelids. They say he should be fine, but he might be a little cock-eyed
 
tvashb01 said:
this is the same type of joke, you have to keep a straight face:

did you hear about the baby boy that was born with no eyelids? Yeah, they say that the only naturally lubricating skin like your eyelids is your penis. So when they circumsized him, they attached that and made eyelids. They say he should be fine, but he might be a little cock-eyed
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tvashb01 said:
This is funny if you come out with a serious tone and make people believe its true:

Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eyelids? Yeah, they said that the only naturally lubricating skin on the body besides the eyelids is your foreskin. So when they circumsized him, they used some of that foreskin and made eyelids for him. They said that he should be ok, but he might be a little COCK EYED.
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Do I hear an echo? :) :tongue:
 
OK I have one, I girl sinned with the same man like 3 times one night, so she goes to the confessional booth at her church and she told the minister that, and he said go to the store, get 6 of the biggest juciest lemons you can find, go home, squeeze them all into a glass, and drink it. She said that she would, and then she asked, will this repent my sins, no the preacher said, but it sure will get the smile off your face :)
 
deleted for content. :)
 
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There were three couples that died in a horrible car wreck. When the three couples were standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter wouldn't let any of the men in. To the first man he said, "In life you were too obsessed with money, and to top it off you married a woman named Penny. You can't come in, but your wife can." Penny went into heaven, and her husband was dragged away to hell. The second man was told this by Peter, "In life you were obsessed with alcohol, then married a girl named "Jen". I'm sorry you can't come in, but your wife can." As the second man was being taken down to hell, the last man said to his wife, "It's been nice knowing ya Fanny".
 
spazntwitch said:
Provo, Utah (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Provo courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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A Ute fan and a Cougar fan die and go to heaven (they both get in, of course, they're Mormons :)). The Ute fan is taken to a small shanty down a back alley in heaven. In the front of his house is a few small red windsocks and flags to show support for the Utes. He looks over the hill and sees this hugh Mansion with the entire grounds covered in blue and gold. The lawn is covered in topiaries of cougars, There is a replica Y Mountain behind the mansion. The Ute fan asks Peter, "Why did the BYU fan get such a better house than I did?"

Peter responds, "That's God's house."
 
Blatantly plagiarized from the Anandtech Forums. :bigok:


There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.

The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
 
I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rats' germs, etc. in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayer if I forward an email to seven of my friends and say a prayer within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
 
Woman goes to the Post Office, to buy Stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps."

The Clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us, has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Baptist, 10 Lutheran and 22 Presbyterian."
>
 
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