(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Leatherneck93 said:
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
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see post #56
 
A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then turning to the man she asked,

"How many is a Brazilian?"
 
How do female ghosts dance?
They shake their boo-ty!

What's the most popular restaurant in the North Pole?
Burr-ger King!

Why do elephants go swimming?
To get their trunks wet!

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine?
An A Flat Minor

What do you get when you throw a piano on a military officier?
An A Flat Major
 
Observations

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why they wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
 
something i came across

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________

Did you know....Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

________________________________________________________________

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex.
The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes."
He says, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
 
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans. I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
 
good one, spaz.. i'm always up for a good jab at the clintons :p
 
Thank you everyone for making my day go by a little faster. ;) :claps:
 
A gay man, a straight man and a greedy man all die and show up at the Gates of Heaven at once. St. Peter welcomes them to his desk and then begins flipping through their files. "Hmmm..." he says. "Apparently, one of you liked men, one of you loved money, and one of you couldn't stop fornicating with women! This is bad, let me call God."

So St. Peter calls God, not really wanting to send three otherwise good men to Hell at once, and God himself comes to talk to them. "Okay," God says, "I'm going to put each of you three men through a test to try to resist the sinful thing that got you a ticket to Hell. If you can pass this test, you'll get into Heaven. If you fail, then you'll hear a loud POOF, and you'll be in Hell."

So the men agree, and the first man up is the straight man. In front of him is the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his life. He tried to resist, but he just couldn't do it. He began unclothing her...


POOF!

He went to Hell.

So the greedy man step up for his test, and in front of him, on the ground, is a billion dollar check, ready to be cashed by him. He can't resist, he bends over to pick it up...

POOF!

POOF!
 
Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of ! this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way
 
How does a crazy person walk throught the forest?


they take the psychopath.
 
Why isn't Washington DC not having a nativity scene this year?

It doesn't have anything to do with being politically correct. They just can't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
 
groove1 said:
Why isn't Washington DC not having a nativity scene this year?

It doesn't have anything to do with being politically correct. They just can't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
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But they found plenty of asses to fill the stable! :)
 
A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.:beer_yum:
 
This joke is a long one, but the punch line is really funny. Please read the whole thing.

A man was walking by the water cooler at work one day, and he over heard a couple of his co-workers talking and decided to join in their conversation. The conversation topic was 'The Purple Fuzz'. The man was very confused and asked what the purple fuzz was. His co-workers looked at him incredulously and one said, 'You don't know what the purple fuzz is, well I can't talk to you anymore." They then both turned on him and started talking in low muffled voices he couldn't understand.

Word spread quickyl that this man didn't know what the purple fuzz was, and everyone in the office started treating him very poorly. His secretary refused to give him any messages, he was purposefully not invited to the catered luncheon on the third floor, even the janitor refused to come in and empty his trash. He was treated like this for two full days, when at the end of the second day his boss called him in and said "I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're holding our company back and we're going to have to let you go. I want you out by this afternoon, we have your replacement coming in tomorrow morning and anything you leave behind will be thrown away."

The man tried to ask as to some explanation, but his boss wouldn't say anything else. He could hear though, on his way out his boss mumble under his breath something about the purple fuzz.

So he packs up his desk and belongings, picks up his last check (which was 100 dollars short of what he deserved), and goes home an hour early. His wife asks when he gets home why he is so early, and he tells her about the previous two days and how bad everyone was treating him and that his boss fired him today. By the end of the story this man is in tears, which tears don't really help to console him from the stresses of the preceeding days. He manages to speak through the sobs, "All because I don't know what the purple fuzz is, who cares about the dang purple fuzz anyways?"
"You don't know what the purple fuzz is?" his wife responds.

"No, that's what started this whole mess in the first place." he tells her.

"Well if you don't know what the purple fuzz is, we're going to have to get a divorce. I can't believe I married a man who doesn't know about the purple fuzz."

In divorce court as the man is trying to plead for enough possesions and money to stay alive, he explains his plight to the judge. When he gets to the part about not knowing about the purple fuzz, the judges recoils, and immediately awards all of the couples possesion to the wife, leaving the man unemployed, homeless, and with not to his name but the shirt on his back and the pants on his legs (the judge even made him give his wife the suit coat he was wearing at the hearing).

By now it's mid January, it's the worst winter the state had seen in 50 years. 3 feet of snow on the ground, sub zero temperatures under the noon-day sun, and our poor fellow barely hanging on to life. In desperation the man steals a few light winter clothes from a second hand store to try and ward off frezzing to death on the cold nights on the streets. Just as he is about to get out the door with his new found wardrobe, the employee at the store stops him and accuses him of stealing. Our man tries to explain his story yet again, this time leaving out the part about the purple fuzz, but the store employee refuses to listen and calls the cops.

The cops thake this man into custody and he has a trial date set for ajudge to hear his plot. In the mean time he can stay in the local prison. To this thought the man sees some hope, he'll at least be off the street for a few nights in a warm building with three meals a day. However the time he spent in the jail was far from pleasant. Word somehow got around that he didn't know what the purple fuzz was, and every day he was mercilessly beaten.

When his court date finally came, it turns out to be the same judge he had during his divorce hearing. Upon entering the court, the judge sees the man and instantly recognizes him. "You're that guy who doesn't know about the purple fuzz aren't you?"
He nods.

"Well, in that case I sentance you to 7 years of hard jail time. Maybe that will help you straighten your life out." The judge banged his gavel on his desk and left the court room.

Our man went to a maximum security prison, with the worst of the worst criminals. These were the murderers, rapists, bombers, terrorists, the true dregs of society. The news of the new guy that didn't know about the purple fuzz spread quicly and as a result this man had unspeakable things done to him. Beaten, unliked, sodomized, tortured, by guards and inmates alike. for 7 years this went on.

The man finally got out and was sitting at a bench in a park one day trying to figure out what he was going to do with what shards of his life he still had. As he was sitting there, he began again to cry just thinking about what had happened to him over the past few years of his life. as he was sitting there, lost in his own thoughts, an elderly woman sat next to him and said, "What seems to be troubling you son?"

The man hesitated, and asked the woman, "Do you promise not to hit me or call me names or turn me into the cops, send me to jail, scream, beat me with your purse, or anything else of the like if I tell you?"

"Of course I wont do anything of those things, just tell me what it is. even if you didn't know what the purple fuzz is I wouldn't do any of that to you."

"Well that's just it, I don't know what the purple fuzz is, and because of that i've..." he began to relate his story. When he was finally finished the woman told him that she was very sorry. She gave him $100 and told him to go get him a few clothes, and then come to her house in an hour, and she would tell him all about the purple fuzz.

The man was absolutely ecstatic. He wsa finally going to hear about the purple fuzz, and he would never have to be hated for not knowing again. This was the first thing that had gone well for this man in nigh 10 years, and the thought of new clothes, not the same ones he had been wearing since his divorce (for the prison refused to give him a uniform, saying he didnt deserve it) that thought almost over whelmed him. So our man thanked the woman heartily, got her address and promised to meet her at her house in exactly one hour.

The man stood up frrom the bench, started to cross the street to the clothing store accross frrom the park, and failed to see an oncoming bus, which hit the man, and he died instantly.

The end.
 
k, to save face from the purple fuzz joke, heres a few:

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of it's feet are the same

Q: How many Elephants can you fit in a volvo?
A: 4, 2 in the front 2 in the back

Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There's footprints in the butter

Q: How can you tell if there have been 2 elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's foot prints in the butter and the peanuts are missing.

Q: How can you tell if 3 elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: You can't

Q: How can you tell if 4 elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There's foot prints in the butter, the peanuts are gone, and theres a volvo parked outside.

Q: How do you get an elephant in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

Q: How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, close the door.

Q: A lion king called a meeting of all the animals, which one didn't show up?
A: The giraffe, he was in the refrigerator.

Q: How do you fit a hippo into a refrigerator?
A: you can't

Is that enough silliness to counteract the purple fuzz joke?
 
wade you forgot to put the moral of the purple fuzz story:
look both ways before you cross the street :p

i've been known to tell this type of joke myself... and for some reason, when i have a new joke, none of my family or friends wants to hear it :tongue:
 
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