(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

:)

Two Amish women are in the field digging up potatoes. The first one pauses, holding a potato in each hand, and says, “These potatoes remind me of my husbands balls.”

The second Amish woman gasps in excitement and replies, “Your husband's balls are that big?”

The first answers back, “No, that dirty.”
 
A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was
beaming. He gave her that " who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever
having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you
were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world
coming to?
Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her
children!
Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but,
MAYBE...during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college...
perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the
parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and
then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front
of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's
second-grade teacher ."
 
"Marriage Proposal"

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
observes to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is
impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
crisplinen said:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Click to expand...

Now that's is interesting point
 
Q. What do you do if an epileptic is drowning in your swimming pool?

A. Throw your laundry in.
 
spazntwitch said:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic is drowning in your swimming pool?

A. Throw your laundry in.
Click to expand...

That's only funny if you have a really small pool. :tongue:
 
This is no joke!!

Rockstar said:
all truth here, but i found these very amusing: *all just little tid-bits*


Take a Look at THESE:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish have no brains.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Click to expand...

Dang, you trying the scare the $@#$%@%^#@%0 out of us!!
 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Quick! Go get your Mother."
 
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop
3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
4. Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingy.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
 
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A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He was looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and trying to figure out the wind direction and speed. In short, he was driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball already!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it man, you'll never hit her from here!"

http://www.askmen.com/jokes/2005_aug/aug03.html
 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had
told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it
took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from So. Carolina. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didnt see any results,
but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted that he told
her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and
laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day
he didnt see anything and the second day he didnt see anything but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye
 
Two friends were just about to tee off on the first hole at their local
golf course when another man, carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they
said, "You're more than welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way through the course, one of the friends turned to the
newcomer and said, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was
his reply.

"You're joking!" was their response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching
into his golf bag, he pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with
a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window.""Wow, I can see my wife in the
bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my
neighbor in there with her . He's naked, too!!! The *****!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do
a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth."

"Then my neighbor, he's still a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick
off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man grabbed the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be
patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand
here....."
 
Some Poor Jokes

Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level
of the pond increases. How?


A - The other 9 fish are crying.................

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2
cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have
anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the
boat will become LIGHTER.......using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
 
Angel said:
Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level
of the pond increases. How?


A - The other 9 fish are crying.................

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2
cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have
anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the
boat will become LIGHTER.......using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
Click to expand...


Thanks to you, I am never reading again just so i don't come across those jokes. j/k
;)
 
a man walks into a bar.....











ouch!!
 
a guy goes into a bar, sees a horse sitting on a stool and says...






why the long face?
 
Why did the moron tiptoe to the Pharmacy?
So that he won't wake up the sleeping pills.
 
We're just not understood :cry:

tvashb01 said:
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably

wouldn't have fit."



Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and

Civil Engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

?Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." ?If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Click to expand...

I'm personally a chemical engineer for the moment... I was... ASTOUNDED by how true these quotes are :tongue:

Here are my original jokes:

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix...

Don't drink and derive!


Baby, I'd love to use the fundamental theorm of calculus on you...

I'd love to find the area under all your curves
 
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head .
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol
trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,
120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
Catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked
up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch , "My shift ends in 30 minutes
and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
 
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