(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about theLord?

A little teeny voice came out of the box . . . .
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes." :claps:
 
my 11yo is busting up at your centipede joke- thanks iluvdeals for the laughs with my daughter ;)
 
not a joke, but something that i thought was kinda funny

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Star Wars Mr. Potato Head: "Darth Tater"

out of stock =(
 
I SOO want that, but everytime I go to buy it, it's out of stock. I guess I'll try Toys R Us in person.
 
clubchick said:
my 11yo is busting up at your centipede joke- thanks iluvdeals for the laughs with my daughter ;)
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Thanks clubchick, it's a good one for all age groups. :tongue:
 
found this in the woot forum and cleaned it up a bit... made me laugh and appreciate how good my kids really are...

Little Johnny has a swearing problem and his father has had enough, so he decides to go to a shrink to solve the problem. He asks the shrink: "My son has a problem with foul language, can you suggest anything?"

The shrink replies, "Well Christmas is coming up, so I say leave a pile of dog poop instead of what he really wants."

The father gets home and Johnny says to him, "When I wake up on Christmas morning, I want to wake up to a :cussing: teddy bear. When I go downstairs, I want to see a :cussing: train circling the :cussing: tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a :cussing: bicycle leaning against the :cussing: garage."

Christmas morning arrives. Johnny wakes up and rolls over a pile of dog poop. Confused, he goes downstairs and sees a big pile of dog poop under the tree. He then goes to look outside and sees another pile of dog poop next to the garage.

The father goes downstairs and asks, "So, what'd Santa leave you?"

Johnny responds, "I think I got a :cussing: dog but I can't find the s.o.b.!"
 
Oh I just made the stupidest joke!

I was studying biology, and bone terminology, when I read something and found it funny....

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with an acetabulum?

A: *N/A*

I just want to see if anyone even tries answering this extremely stupid joke....
 
Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell..

Catholicism: if sh1t happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: sh1t won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this sh1t always happen to me?

Buddhism: when sh1t happens, is it really sh1t?

Islam: if sh1t happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this sh1t happened before.

Hare Krishna: sh1t happens - Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this sh1t!
 
The answer to my very stupid biology joke is:

Moofossa ! ! ! (Mufasa from lion king).

You get that answer because Cow= Moo and acetabulum is a fossa, so you add that and get Moofossa
:)

The third worst jokes are jokes i made. The second worst jokes are biology jokes. The first worst jokes are biology jokes i made :D
 
iluvdeals said:
Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell..

Catholicism: if sh1t happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: sh1t won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this sh1t always happen to me?

Buddhism: when sh1t happens, is it really sh1t?

Islam: if sh1t happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this sh1t happened before.

Hare Krishna: sh1t happens - Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this sh1t!
Click to expand...



LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
 
all truth here, but i found these very amusing: *all just little tid-bits*


Take a Look at THESE:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish have no brains.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
 
Rockstar said:
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Click to expand...
Just feed our dog some broccoli and turkey. You only need one of those air biscuits to have the energy of an atomic explosion. :dog: :lightning :eek: :cussing:
 
spazntwitch said:
Just feed our dog some broccoli and turkey. You only need one of those air biscuits to have the energy of an atomic explosion. :dog: :lightning :eek: :cussing:
Click to expand...

is that why your dog looks so mean???
 
toocoolforwords said:
is that why your dog looks so mean???
Click to expand...
He's mean because we don't feed him broccoli and turkey! :tongue: :claps:
 
I wondered how they figured out how much gas comes out & if it would be methaney enought to have such an affect?
 
Looks like i opened a can of worms with the forum

Must warn Bush about the Farting thing , he may have to ban broccoli exports to iraq
 
How are the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper alike?


They both hang around Uranus looking for Klingons.
 
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