(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

i think this is an old one, but...

Girlfriend 1.0 software
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

http://www.ahajokes.com/com023.html
 
Rockstar said:
all truth here, but i found these very amusing: *all just little tid-bits*
Click to expand...

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

So does that mean baked bean is the solution for Iraq an N Korea.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

So the stories abt dolphins saving men was slightly distorted
 
indian joke

Once comrade Ministor went to the Delhi to visit his counterpart.
When the Delhi-ministor invited him home for dinner,
the comred was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre ministor's salary?"
The Delhi-ministor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said comred.
"10 percent", said the Delhi-minster smugly.
Some time later, the Delhi-ministor had occasion to pay a return visit.
The Comred minister lavished all hospitality on him.
When they came to his party office,the Delhite was stunned by the huge palace, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on bucket collection in Indian Rupees", he asked.
The comred minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the delhi-minister.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The delhi-minister looked, was confused, peered closely and said
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said comred !!
 
Two jokes (which may be argued):

401-Keg Plan

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock 3 years ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund deposit, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. :tongue:


Genie in a bottle

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and nearly drops it at the sight of a one foot tall man sitting on the bar playing a miniature grand piano, and playing it beautifully. Astonished, he asks the bartender, "Where did he (pointing to the piano player) come from?' to which the bartender replies, "From the genie in that bottle." nodding toward a vessel sitting near them on the bar. The man grabs the bottle, rubs it and a genie appears. "What is your wish?" the genie says. Stunned, the man sputters and then declares, "I want a million bucks here on the bar." Nearly deafened by an enormous thunderclap the man watches unbelieving through a haze of feathers and bird**** as ducks swoop everywhere making a tremendous racket. Batting the air and dodging the man yells to the bartender " I believe your genie is a little hard of hearing!" The bartender yells back, "Did you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?" :eek: :spoofee:

BTW, I'm still surprised that nobody commented, liked or pelted me with rocks and garbage for my why women and men have two hands joke. :cry:
 
okay i hope nobody loses food while reading this...

anywho...
dracula was having problems finding new victims and went to God for help.

he said to God, "God, I can't find any new victims to bite because they all recognize me with my cape, fangs, and everything. Can you help me change my appearance?"

God says "sure."

dracula continues on and describes what he wants to look like. "I want to be something light and flowly. Something that has wings. I want to be white too but i want to be something that would allow me to suck blood."

So God said "I know just the thing."

*Poof*

Guess what dracula changed into?













dracula changes into a maxi pad. :D don't tell me i didnt warn you.
 
Challenge of the Day

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Complete the Challenge of the day and win $1000". He goes up to the bar and asks the bartender what the challenge is. He says, "You see those 3 doors over there? Behind the first door is a 300 pound biker. Behind the second door is a mean pit bull with an absessed tooth. Behind the third door is the fattest, harriest, ugliest woman you've ever seen. First, you have to go into the first room and kick the guys butt. Second, you have to go in and pull the bad tooth out of the pit bull. Lastly, you need to go in and make sweet love to the nasty woman." The guy tells him that he wasnt up to all that at the moment.

After a few too many drinks, the guy walks back up to the bar and says, "You know what, I'm ready now, give me the key to the first room." He walks in, trips over a bar stool, knocks the guy down and he's out cold. He walks back out to the bartender and says, "that was nothing, give me the keys to the second room." he goes in and the bar is filled with loud yelping. after a few minutes, the guy comes out walks up to the bar and says, "now where are the keys for the fat chick with a bad tooth."
 
Hillbilly Technology

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly -- Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "That Was My Pager," She Said. " I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm.

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "That Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Hillbilly Women Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. The Hillbilly Women Finally Said, "Well, Will You Look At That, I'm Gettin' A Fax."
 
Not really a joke. It's true. :cry: :cry:


Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go.

Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting."

BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they go.

The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"
 
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Oh the wrath that you have incurred bigdaddy. I love it!
 
Anything above floor 1 should have the floor 5 sign on it.
 
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to
the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee"

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in
a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..
 
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
 
REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK:

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
 
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably

wouldn't have fit."



Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and

Civil Engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

?Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." ?If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 
The new childbirth

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's
father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
the
machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to
feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the
wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL
the
pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
 
THE THINGS KIDS SAY

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

“Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
 
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
 
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