(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

I snipped this passage from a novel my wife was reading. It is worth sharing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a
room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring
voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands
start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew should be
afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly
closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers
caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,
full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what
he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling,
holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now
 
a>
 
A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman.
He turns to her and says, "Hey baby, wanna go out with me?"
She says no, and he asks, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
 
An elderly woman was woke up by some noise in her kitchen, and upon investagation she found her young grandson making her some coffee.

It was his first attempt at brewing coffee, and it was pretty nasty,but he was so proud of himself she suffered through it just to make him happy.

When she got to the bottom of the cup, she found 2 army men wedged in the cup, and when she asked him why they were in there, he replied

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I thought the best part of waking up was "Soldiers in you cup"
 
oldgeez said:
A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman.
He turns to her and says, "Hey baby, wanna go out with me?"
She says no, and he asks, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
Click to expand...

What other "classics" you got?
 
The greatest lies

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

Honestly, I'd never lie to you.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips ... no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

It's supposed to make that noise.

Why yes, I *love* your new _____!

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

This is a one-time mailing. If you do not respond, you will receive no further
mailings from us.

But, Mommy/Daddy said it was okay.

No one else will ever know.
 
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