(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after
hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.

"Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
 
dummiesquestions1.jpg
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari
 
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''
 
A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you???ll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that???s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I???ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."
 
A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"
 
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
 
Pregnancy Advice: A stork might bring you a baby, but a swallow never will...
 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
 
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
 
A young man married a beautiful
woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please
be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How
can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, " she said "Let me explain."

"Husband#1 was a SALES REPRESENTATIVE; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.

Husband # 2 was in SOFTWARE SERVICES; he was never really
sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and
get back with me.

Husband # 3 was from FIELD SERVICES; he said that everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system
up.

Husband # 4 was in TELEMARKETING; even though he knew he
had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.


Husband # 5 was an ENGINEER, he understood the basic process
but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from ADMINISTRATION; he thought he knew
how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband # 7 was in MARKETING; although he had a product,
he was never sure how to position it.

Husband # 8 was a PSYCHIATRIST; all he did was talk about
it.

Husband # 9 was a GYNECOLOGIST; all he did was look at it.

Husband # 10 was a STAMP COLLECTOR; all he ever did was - well
let's say that I miss him the most. But now that I've married you, I'm so excited !!!"


"Wonderful", said the new husband, "but
why are you so convinced with me?

"You're with the GOVERNMENT" she explained


"This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED !!!"
 
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.

Signed - "The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in
a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also
inside the bag was the following note:

"Here is your money. I can't believe that a blonde would do
this to another blonde."
 
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
home.

I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper..

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'
 
Toward the end of Sunday Mass, the Parish Priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Priest then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Murphy?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Murphy, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Murphy, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the b*tches."
 
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.
 
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

------------ --------- --------------

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. D@mn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the h*ll out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
 
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! "My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL' and there's nothing in the mailbox!"
 
John''s wife, Jill, got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.

As a result, John offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

One night Jill and John were watching TV when she broke down crying.

"What's the matter?" John asked.

Jill said "I can't believe you did this for me."

John hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

To which John replied, "You don't need to repay me... you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
 
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, try telling HIM you have a headache, like you always do."
 
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

--------- -----------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm
83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

------------------ ---------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis.."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top