Waxedstrong
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tvashb01 said:
HAHA, I liked that one :bigok:
(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
- Thread starter dehawk
- Start date
HAHA, I liked that one :bigok:
crisplinen
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Modern day birds and bees
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"
ShadowGuju
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hahahahahahaha...for all those jokes in these 7 pages that kept me busy for 2 hours
spazntwitch
It's like déj- vu again
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It's not really a joke, but it is very funny. A guy witnessed an accident involving four elderly ladies; he was leaving a message for an associate while this occurred. His laugh just kills me!
Listen Here
Listen Here
Seniors:
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
___________________________________________________
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
___________________________________________________
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He
told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off
his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll
be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back A
few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her
head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife
quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's
not my wife. She's not my wife!"
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He
told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off
his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll
be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back A
few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her
head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife
quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's
not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Apocalypse716
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This is actually a story but not a joke:
While I was on a field trip for some political club, we were having debates. People would contribute ideas to make the proposed law perfect so we could accept and pass it. While on the topic of cuba, someone offered the proposal
"to change the national anthem of Cuba to 'Row, row, row your boat...'"
While I was on a field trip for some political club, we were having debates. People would contribute ideas to make the proposed law perfect so we could accept and pass it. While on the topic of cuba, someone offered the proposal
"to change the national anthem of Cuba to 'Row, row, row your boat...'"
crisplinen
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kran007tx said:
haha maybe
catchy name though
crisplinen
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Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Apocalypse716
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One day, there was this reallly annoying cookie who loved to dance and party. He invited all his friends over on the boardwalk to listen to loud blasting music and party. THe neighbor of the cookie got angry and told him to stop listenign to music and partying or he would throw the cookie into the ocean. The cookie didnt like the idea of the ocean b/c of the lobsters that could eat him, but he ignored this and still listened to music. After 3 straight days of, the neighbor picked up the cookie and punted him into the ocean, and the cookie was eaten by lobsters, so the guy laughed and went back home LOL
Apocalypse716
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ok ok another joke-
Two people were going out, and the man decided to ask this girl to marry him one day. Before the date at a pricy resteraunt where he planned on asking her, the guy was waslking mindlessly down the boardwalk, looking at the new $2000 rign he had just bought, when he accidentally tripped and the ring fell into the ocean between the cracks. The guy went into the ocean, but saw lobsters, and decided that it was too dangerous. The guy didnt know what to do, and decided to explain the situation to his future wife. When they got to the resteratuant, and had ordered lobster, the guy was about to explain what happened when the food arrived. The girl went to eat the lobster, and what did she find in the lobster? The dancin cookie!
(if you didnt get this joke, read my other joke, right before this one, and then read this)
Two people were going out, and the man decided to ask this girl to marry him one day. Before the date at a pricy resteraunt where he planned on asking her, the guy was waslking mindlessly down the boardwalk, looking at the new $2000 rign he had just bought, when he accidentally tripped and the ring fell into the ocean between the cracks. The guy went into the ocean, but saw lobsters, and decided that it was too dangerous. The guy didnt know what to do, and decided to explain the situation to his future wife. When they got to the resteratuant, and had ordered lobster, the guy was about to explain what happened when the food arrived. The girl went to eat the lobster, and what did she find in the lobster? The dancin cookie!
(if you didnt get this joke, read my other joke, right before this one, and then read this)
spazntwitch
It's like déj- vu again
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Provo, Utah (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Provo courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A guy in a public restroom sat down only to hear the guy in the next stall say, "Hi, how are you?" Hesitantly, he replied, "Uh, ok." "What are you doing?" said the other guy. "I'm here on a business trip" replied the first guy getting angry. "How about I come over there?" said the other guy to which the first guy replies yelling, "Why in the hell would you want to do that, are you some kind of sicko." The second guy says, "Hey, I'm going to have to call you back, the dumba$$ in the next stall keeps talking to me."
This is funny if you come out with a serious tone and make people believe its true:
Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eyelids? Yeah, they said that the only naturally lubricating skin on the body besides the eyelids is your foreskin. So when they circumsized him, they used some of that foreskin and made eyelids for him. They said that he should be ok, but he might be a little COCK EYED.
Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eyelids? Yeah, they said that the only naturally lubricating skin on the body besides the eyelids is your foreskin. So when they circumsized him, they used some of that foreskin and made eyelids for him. They said that he should be ok, but he might be a little COCK EYED.
this is my favorite joke to tell cuz i never screw it up... but it's much better spoken than read lol....
these two cowboys were riding the range when the less intelligent of the two says "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!"
second cowboy says "how far away is he?"
first says "i don't know, you know i ain't that smart"..
"well, how BIG is he?"...
"he's THAT big" (shows him about 1/2 in between his thumb and forefinger)...
"ok, well tell me when he gets bigger"...
a minute or two passes and the not-so-smart cowboy hollers "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!!".....
"well how big is he now?"....
"he's THAT big" (shows about a 4 inch gap between his thumb and forefinger)...
"ok, well tell me when he gets bigger".....
another minute or two and the dumb cowboy cries out "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!!!"....
"how big is he now?"....
"he's THAT BIG!!" (show about six inches between his hands)...
"well, if he gets closer, tell me right away"....
after 30 seconds, the cowboy is now screaming
"THERE'S AN INJUN BEHIND US, THERE'S AN INJUN BEHIND US!!"....
"HOW BIG IS HE?"....
"HE'S THAT BIG!!!!" (12 inches between his hands)...
"WELL SHOOT HIM!!!".....
"I CAN'T!".....
"WHY NOT?"....
(shows 1/2 inch between thumb and forefinger) "BECAUSE I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE HE WAS THIS BIG!!"
these two cowboys were riding the range when the less intelligent of the two says "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!"
second cowboy says "how far away is he?"
first says "i don't know, you know i ain't that smart"..
"well, how BIG is he?"...
"he's THAT big" (shows him about 1/2 in between his thumb and forefinger)...
"ok, well tell me when he gets bigger"...
a minute or two passes and the not-so-smart cowboy hollers "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!!".....
"well how big is he now?"....
"he's THAT big" (shows about a 4 inch gap between his thumb and forefinger)...
"ok, well tell me when he gets bigger".....
another minute or two and the dumb cowboy cries out "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!!!"....
"how big is he now?"....
"he's THAT BIG!!" (show about six inches between his hands)...
"well, if he gets closer, tell me right away"....
after 30 seconds, the cowboy is now screaming
"THERE'S AN INJUN BEHIND US, THERE'S AN INJUN BEHIND US!!"....
"HOW BIG IS HE?"....
"HE'S THAT BIG!!!!" (12 inches between his hands)...
"WELL SHOOT HIM!!!".....
"I CAN'T!".....
"WHY NOT?"....
(shows 1/2 inch between thumb and forefinger) "BECAUSE I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE HE WAS THIS BIG!!"
Waxedstrong
You can kill me
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spazntwitch said:
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was hilarious.
Leatherneck93
Sui Generis
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A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."