(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

This was e-mailed to me awhile ago ~ enjoy!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
***************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
***************************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
****************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
*************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
 
Vegas Trip
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in
Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around during their
break and discussed their vacation. The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever
do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,
'7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy
said, "I know what you mean! My wife played blackjack
the whole time we were there and now she slaps the bed all night and
hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard,' and I haven't had a wink of
sleep either!" The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife
played the slots the whole time we were there. Now, every morning,
I wake up with a sore winky and a butt full of quarters!"
 
The Mommy test:

I was out walking with my 4 year old son. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. "Why?" my son asked. Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my son looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was
evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test,
you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy
in my heart.
 
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the "Amazing
Claude"was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the
meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family
for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S**t!" said the Hypnotist...


It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
 
Q. Why do computer scientists get halloween and christmas confused?

A. Because Oct 31 == Dec 25


*All your base are belong to numbering systems!*
 
New Husband Store in N.Y.C.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
 
What is green and fuuzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

Answer......A Pool Table

Told to me by my "High Honor's" 15 yr old step daughter after aceing her regents math test!!
 
NOTES FROM THOUGHTFUL RON....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became
necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf cour! se about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake
me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready
for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so
I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I te! ll her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up
his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was
arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he
accidentally sat down on it very suddenly. :claps:
 
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased and farted whenever she wanted.

THE END :claps:
 
precocious said:
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased and farted whenever she wanted.

THE END
Click to expand...
:claps:
after a weekend away from kids and hubby, i know exactly how that girl felt... well except for camping and the sex thing ;)

good one, precocious!!
(note- it was still good to come home, even though the house was trashed, kids were amped on sugar, and hubby couldn't wait for me to fix dinner!)
 
Practical Zen

PRACTICAL ZEN

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.


and the best for last ...


There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
 
Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry . please warn the Pope!!
 
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." -- Red Buttons

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
 
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
 
Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
 
>> > On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
> old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One
> day, two
>> > boys filled
>> > up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
>> out
>> > of sight,
>> > and began dividing the nuts.
>> >
>> > "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
>> me,"
>> > said one
>> > boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the
>> > fence.
>> >
>> > Another boy came riding along the road on his
>> > bicycle. As he
>> > passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
>> > cemetery.
>> > He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he
>> > heard,
>> > "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
>> me."
>> >
>> > He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his
>> > bike and rode
>> > off. Just around the bend he met an old man with
>> a
>> > cane,
>> > hobbling along.
>> >
>> > "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't
>> believe
>> > what I
>> > heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
>> cemetery
>> > dividing up
>> > the souls."
>> >
>> > The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's
>> hard
>> > for me to
>> > walk." When the boy insisted though, the man
>> > hobbled to the
>> > cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One
>> > for you, one
>> > for me. One for you, one for me..."
>> >
>> > The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin'
>> the
>> > truth.
>> > Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with
>> > fear, they
>> > peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
>> > see anything.
>> >
>> > The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
>> > bars of the
>> > fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
>> > glimpse of the
>> > Lord.
>> >
>> > At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.
>> That's
>> > all.
>> > Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll
>> > be done."
>> >
>> > They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
>> > minutes ahead
>> > of the boy on the bike.
 
For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal, the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, beware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace


2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker


3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!


9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
 
FAMILY TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day the "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family."

Moral Of The Story: Always keep your condoms in your car
 
Its kind of sad, but I really dont know any jokes suitable for all sexes and races and ages. Every joke I know is at someones horrible expense. Theyre funny as all get out, dont get me wrong, but theyre definitely inappropriate.
 
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