(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Just you wait. Im gonna come up with such a comeback.. Just let me think about it for a while.. ;) I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but sooner or later...


WHAMMO!
 
Three Ladies In A Hot Tub
Three Women, One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly,
Were Sitting In A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed
Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped.the Others Looked At
Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She Said. "i
Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."
> >
A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman
Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She
Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A
Microchip In My Hand."
> >
The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be
Outdone, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As
Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To
The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet
Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their
Eyebrows And Stared At Her. The Hillbilly Woman
Finally Said, "well, Will You Look At That. I'm
Gettin' A Fax!"
>:)
 
my b'f said this to me and i just about died because of its simplicity:
Two guys walk into a bar.....................................and they got a concussion. LOL
 
And on the other hand.........she wore a glove.:p
 
Yay....people are making really crappy jokes again, that's my cue!!!

2 guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"?

and my personal favorite

drum roll please

d
dr
dru
drum
drum r
drum ro
drum rol
drum roll
drum rol
drum ro
drum r
drum
dru
dr
d





Why do mice live in holes?

BECAUSE THEY WERE RAISED THAT WAY LOL LOL :claps:
 
WadeTheWise said:
Yay....people are making really crappy jokes again, that's my cue!!!

LOL :claps:
Click to expand...

The mods should 'statisize' you as "King of the Crappy Jokes" :claps: :claps: :rolleyes:
 
precocious said:
The mods should 'statisize' you as "King of the Crappy Jokes" :claps: :claps: :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I'm for it! :claps: :bigok: :claps:
 
THE PERFECT EXCUSE...

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming in to work today." ;)
 
Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his Head.

Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, " By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is Dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... And then a gun shot is heard. Joe comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?" :hmm:
 
Blonde Joke

A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde lady who is
sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread
 
precocious said:
Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his Head.

Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, " By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is Dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... And then a gun shot is heard. Joe comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?" :hmm:
Click to expand...

Love it. :bigok:
 
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer :)
 
Okay... I have not read through this entire thread, but I did do a search of keywords. I thought this joke was funny enough to share and I hope it's not a repeat for anyone out there!

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef! and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Click to expand...
 
for the ladies...

mouse9bi.jpg


tools3kz.jpg
 
Newlyweds
-------------------------

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a
little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'

She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these
on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here
- you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude,
you never will."

And they lived happily ever after.....:)
 
A little Kentucky Humor

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the fa ther-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor,
"Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another
one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a
hurry
to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried
the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor . . .
.
.

.

.

.

.

.


"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
My mom sent this email to me, and i thought it was worth posting, although i did edit it to be PG:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. * Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake unit at her, making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your unit and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire unit size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake unit at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
 
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