(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
- Thread starter dehawk
- Start date
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
I just needed some humor today! 
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are ! like ......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Of course, present company excluded
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are ! like ......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Of course, present company excluded
spazntwitch
It's like déj- vu again
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2003
- Messages
- 9,355
- Reaction score
- 970
- Points
- 0
It's cheaper than toilet paper.clubchick said:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Mommy humor
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in
for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight. Being a little concerned, he
asked if the child was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder
this baby is under weight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm
really glad I came."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in
for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight. Being a little concerned, he
asked if the child was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder
this baby is under weight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm
really glad I came."
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay." :cocktail:
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay." :cocktail:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Things to do on your first day at class....
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it
and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.
28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
30. Watch the professor through binoculars.
31. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the "i" is silent.
34. Sit in the front row, reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,
volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's
reply and proceed to do so anyway.
36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.
37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Sign-up Sheet
#" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before
taking your seat.
41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
42. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.
47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask "Did he have any children?"
48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you can't see Macedonia.
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it
and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.
28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
30. Watch the professor through binoculars.
31. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the "i" is silent.
34. Sit in the front row, reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,
volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's
reply and proceed to do so anyway.
36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.
37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Sign-up Sheet
#" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before
taking your seat.
41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
42. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.
47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask "Did he have any children?"
48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you can't see Macedonia.
callmeCrazyButt
Ms. Smartie Pants
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2006
- Messages
- 10,170
- Reaction score
- 787
- Points
- 0
Those are great Preco...I should try some of em...lol
I don't know any clean jokes
I don't know any clean jokes
WadeTheWise
Ukulele Master
- Joined
- May 6, 2005
- Messages
- 676
- Reaction score
- 6
- Points
- 0
aren't these 4 normal everyday behavior? They were for me.
The thing is, what do you do after you do these things. Like number 37, what then? Youve got an arguement on your hands now.
I just noticed the Level designations.. That makes Clubby a 'square'. (Lots of you are prolly too young to know this.. L7 used to be a slang term for a 'quare', an uncool, unhip person/ When you hold up your hands and make the right hand be the 'L' make the L with the right hand but turn it upsidedown and ti makes a 7. Put them together and youve got a square in the air.)
My speil is done.
I just noticed the Level designations.. That makes Clubby a 'square'. (Lots of you are prolly too young to know this.. L7 used to be a slang term for a 'quare', an uncool, unhip person/ When you hold up your hands and make the right hand be the 'L' make the L with the right hand but turn it upsidedown and ti makes a 7. Put them together and youve got a square in the air.)
My speil is done.
Last edited:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Geeks used to be 'uncool' too, now Bill Gates laughs all the way to the bank!clubchick said:
good thing i'm old enough to remember huey lewis telling everyone it's hip to be square
that's my half full lemonade glass again, precocious
**Clubby, you know I think you're hip and an eternal optimist (lent is ending soon, can you tell?)
**
f1o3x7
Bronze Member
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
- 69
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 0
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him. "
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...that bear will grab the fish and I will shoot the bear."
You would think that this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more....A wee mouse by the hunters foot was thinking,"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in the scene and thought,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish..and that hunter shoots that bear..and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch.
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water and....... The fish swallows the fly... The bear eats the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns...
The moral of this story is obvious...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches. Some pussy is in danger!!!
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him. "
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...that bear will grab the fish and I will shoot the bear."
You would think that this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more....A wee mouse by the hunters foot was thinking,"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in the scene and thought,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish..and that hunter shoots that bear..and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch.
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water and....... The fish swallows the fly... The bear eats the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns...
The moral of this story is obvious...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches. Some pussy is in danger!!!
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Never argue with a woman....
Never argue with a woman....
A couple went on a vacation to a mountain lake area.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors and begins to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking, isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "
"If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.
MORAL of this STORY:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think .
Never argue with a woman....
A couple went on a vacation to a mountain lake area.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors and begins to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking, isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "
"If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.
MORAL of this STORY:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think .
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Happy Easter......
. Happy Easter...
. Happy Easter...
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
I'm on a roll today....
We all know I'm a Hillary fan
We all know I'm a Hillary fan
Q & A with an honest OB/GYN:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Blonde Rider
Blonde Rider
Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience,
yet one day she decided to take her chances. As she
climbed on the big Palomino, it took off at a gallop.
Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but
she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush
she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her
foot got caught in the stirrup. She was at the mercy
of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when...
The Wal-Mart manager came out to turn the ride off.
Blonde Rider
Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience,
yet one day she decided to take her chances. As she
climbed on the big Palomino, it took off at a gallop.
Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but
she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush
she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her
foot got caught in the stirrup. She was at the mercy
of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when...
The Wal-Mart manager came out to turn the ride off.
This is soo bad but I couldnt resist.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice that many others could hear, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
The Next Survivor Series
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).
He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.
Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.
They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me".
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).
He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.
Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.
They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me".
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!