(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
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precocious
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And what a sweet little butt it is! :angel:daredevil said:Now thats an answer i can be satified with, and look, i still have my Butt :claps: ....Now. about this being nice to DEhawk thing...
WadeTheWise
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big daddy said:
Notice the title of the post...."Disclaimer: not meant to offend any of our spoofee hilbillies" I think this was the first post of the conversion. I have the feeling that this thread has something to do with the conversion....just a hunch.
precocious
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Hi Wade, no in fact it was not my first post since Lent but it is nice to have you on the forum. BTW, that is a lovely striped shirt you are wearing.:angel:
Big Daddy
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precocious said:
Psssst..... preco :secret: the avatars are not live webcams. Otherwise your legs would look more like choo's old leg avatar. :secret:
BTW your shoes look horrendous.
{If that doesn't bring out the old preco, almost nothing will}
precocious
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Bd, you have such a great sense of humor! ROFLM*O:angel:
precocious
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Disclaimer: Not meant to offend spoofer Oklahomians
$10.00 test
This is why you should know your limits when drinking tequila.
An Oklahoma man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire quart of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached the big O. You've gotta make things right for her."
The Oklahoman is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a quart of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the Oklahoman has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where's the tequila?" He grabs the quart with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. He has tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a horribly noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then, total silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," says the Oklahoman, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Have a great day everybody! :angel:
$10.00 test
This is why you should know your limits when drinking tequila.
An Oklahoma man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire quart of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached the big O. You've gotta make things right for her."
The Oklahoman is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a quart of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the Oklahoman has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where's the tequila?" He grabs the quart with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. He has tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a horribly noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then, total silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," says the Oklahoman, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Have a great day everybody! :angel:
precocious
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Disclaimer: Not meant to offend spoofer blondes or frogs
A beautiful and well endowed young blonde goes
to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box
full of frogs. The sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions)."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if
anybody's watching her and whispers softly to
the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just
follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on
her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment,
the girl takes out the instructions and reads
them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the
bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and,
to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is
totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the
bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any
problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her
doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says,
"See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the
frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly
says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you
how to do this one more time!":angel:
Here's where Dehawk opens a pet shop.....
A beautiful and well endowed young blonde goes
to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box
full of frogs. The sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions)."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if
anybody's watching her and whispers softly to
the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just
follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on
her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment,
the girl takes out the instructions and reads
them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the
bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and,
to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is
totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the
bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any
problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her
doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says,
"See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the
frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly
says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you
how to do this one more time!":angel:
Here's where Dehawk opens a pet shop.....
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a
full length mirror taking a long look at herself. "You know, dear,"she says, "I
look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest
sags down to my waist, and my rear end is sticking out a mile. I've got fat
legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel
better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well . . . . . there's nothing wrong with your eyesight :34:
full length mirror taking a long look at herself. "You know, dear,"she says, "I
look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest
sags down to my waist, and my rear end is sticking out a mile. I've got fat
legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel
better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well . . . . . there's nothing wrong with your eyesight :34:
precocious
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Interesting Mayonaise Facts....
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
Manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as..............
Sinko de Mayo.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
Manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as..............
Sinko de Mayo.
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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I think I'm the only one with a sense of humor left around here!
You know you're not a kid anymore when...
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-You make an appointment to see the dentist.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-You send money to PBS.
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You know what the word "equity" means.
-You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You got cable for the weather channel.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it."
You know you're not a kid anymore when...
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-You make an appointment to see the dentist.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-You send money to PBS.
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You know what the word "equity" means.
-You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You got cable for the weather channel.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it."
thestubblefield
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women
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how
they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they
love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how
they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they
love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Subject: Fireman Sex
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
spazntwitch
It's like déj- vu again
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We heard this at a fireman convention. The guy had the whole place rolling! :spoofee:SharonL said:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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When We Girls Drink Too Much............
WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.