lonefive21
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it is ALWAYS my shoes' fault, Not the raspberry stoli!
(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
- Thread starter dehawk
- Start date
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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That's okay Clubby....give it a few more hours......clubchick said:uhhhhhhhhhhh....
*geesh*
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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Pillsbury Doughboy died
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with
flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with
flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
druvans
.
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In the poor zoo of South Africa, a lion was so much frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 lb meat a day. All of a sudden, it happens that MJ visits the zoo and requests the management of the zoo to shift this Lion to the USA Zoo. Lion was so happy and started thinking of acentral A/c environment, a goat or two in a day, then a USA residence permit also.
The first day, he was shifted, he was offered a big bag, sealed very Nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts. Then he thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were Worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from South Africa. The next day the same thing happened. On exactly, the fourth day, the lion stopped the person delivering the peanuts and asked him, "You know I am the Lion...the king of the Jungle, what's wrong with your staff, what is this nonsense, why are you delivering peanuts for me, I am getting weaker & weaker."
The Delivery man very gently replied,"Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle and nobody can deny this but the problem is "You are on a Monkey's visa."
The first day, he was shifted, he was offered a big bag, sealed very Nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts. Then he thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were Worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from South Africa. The next day the same thing happened. On exactly, the fourth day, the lion stopped the person delivering the peanuts and asked him, "You know I am the Lion...the king of the Jungle, what's wrong with your staff, what is this nonsense, why are you delivering peanuts for me, I am getting weaker & weaker."
The Delivery man very gently replied,"Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle and nobody can deny this but the problem is "You are on a Monkey's visa."
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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Nine Months Later...
Nine Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's
terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." LOL
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Nine Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's
terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." LOL
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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peanuts
A tour bus driver is taking a group of seniors down a highway when he is
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handful of
peanuts which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.
When she was about to hand him another batch again,
he asked the little old lady; "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asked; "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied; "We just love the chocolate around them."
A tour bus driver is taking a group of seniors down a highway when he is
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handful of
peanuts which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.
When she was about to hand him another batch again,
he asked the little old lady; "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asked; "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied; "We just love the chocolate around them."
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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50th Birthday Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's." :tongue: :claps:
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
:tongue: :claps:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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Always consider the consequences.....:angel:
http://www.lifeisajoke.com/videos22.htm
http://www.lifeisajoke.com/videos22.htm
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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smile today
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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Why Yelling At A Man Doesn't Work
WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
chipmunkster
Member
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- Sep 15, 2005
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What's the difference between beernuts and deernuts?
Beernuts are $1.35 and deernuts are under a buck.
Beernuts are $1.35 and deernuts are under a buck.
Tattoo
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done,
when in walked a young chick with a very low-cut blouse that revealed a
beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. :rose:
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She
doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a
hanging basket.
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done,
when in walked a young chick with a very low-cut blouse that revealed a
beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. :rose:
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She
doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a
hanging basket.
The 10 things men know (for sure) about women!!! (Be certain to read
all of them!)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They got Boobs!......
*****
Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
*****
TECHNOLOGY FER COUNTRY FOLKS
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin'the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carrytoo much farwood
RAM: That thing what splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the wintertime
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Yankie talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
*****
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
Paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Religious school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she’s dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
all of them!)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They got Boobs!......
*****
Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
*****
TECHNOLOGY FER COUNTRY FOLKS
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin'the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carrytoo much farwood
RAM: That thing what splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the wintertime
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Yankie talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
*****
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
Paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Religious school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she’s dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her Grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured it out! The best time to do it
was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right
rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her Grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured it out! The best time to do it
was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right
rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Dr. Phil
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating
you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too,
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating
you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too,
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Dear God....from the dog
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last two questions . .
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last two questions . .
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?