(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

There was this executive for a big company and he has been cheating on his wife with his secretary. One day around lunchtime passion overcomes him and the secretary and they take of to her place and make the most intense and passionate love he has ever experienced. In fact it made them so tired they fell asleep. When he awoke he noticed that he was late and started rushing to put his clothes back on, he woke up his secretary and told her to take his shoes outside and start rubbing them in the grass. Although she thought it was strange she did it without asking any questions. When he finally got home is wife was waiting for him and she was very angry. She said "Where have you Been!" The man said "Honey, I can't lie to you, I have been cheating on you with my secretary and I fell asleep after making passionate love to her and thats why I am late." She looked down at his shoes and you could see the anger flare up in her eyes, and she said "Don't lie to me! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING GOLF!!!!!!:mad: :mad: "
 
Punishment or Pleasure
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically
in the kitchen."What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband."
Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I
found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very
erotic magazine! What ever are we going to do?""Well," replied
the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
 
Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five -day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly us! ually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
Promise Not To Laugh

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a
peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor "I really am.....I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

Fred replied "It's swollen....."
 
SharonL said:
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a
peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor "I really am.....I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

Fred replied "It's swollen....."
Click to expand...

It was nice of you to replace hawky's name with "Fred", Sharon, although it wasn't nice for you to cut and paste from hawky's bio. ;) ;) ;)
 
LOL I was trying to save him the embarrassment. Poor Dehawk!
 
Little Jimmy was playing in the living room with his electric train set that he got for Christmas while his mother was in the kitchen doing the dishes.
His mother heard the train stop and heard him say,"All of you idiots that want to disembark, get off the damn train. Any of you bastards wanting to board, get on the damn train cause we are fixin' to take off."
His mother immediately dropped what she was doing, ran into the living room, yanked Little Johnny up and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go up to your room and don't come out for at least two hours."
Little Johnny went to his room and returned in two hours. He started playing with his train set again. His mother heard the train stop and Little Johnny said, "I would like to thank those of you traveling with us today and don't forget your personal items as you leave the train. Those of you boarding the train, please store any of your carry ons in the overhead bins or store them under your seat and we will be leaving shortly."
His mother was just as proud as she could be. Then Little Johnny says, "And for those of you that are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the ***** in the kitchen."
 
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.LOL LOL
 
Momma's Poem

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...


Just Like his MOMMA used to do.;)
 
daredevil said:
He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...


Just Like his MOMMA used to do.;)
Click to expand...

Very nice Daredevil! :claps:
 
Stung on the course
Little Johnny and his girlfriend were playing golf together
when his girlfriend was badly stung by a bee. Little Johnny
quickly ran back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.
"Come quick!" he said. "my girlfriend's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor. "Between the first
and second holes," shouted Little Johnny.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"
:eek:
 
Red neck doorbell
 
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Trees in the road
A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel
looked very confused and scared. "What's going on here, ma'am?"
"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path.
I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another."
The cop looked inside her car and sighed. "Ma'am. That's your air freshener.":o
 
A Fun Collection of Beastly Numbers

666 Biblical Number of the Beast
660 Approximate Number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman Numeral of the Beast
665 Number of the Beast's Older Brother
667 Number of the Beast's Younger Sister
668 Number of the Beast's Neighbor
999 Number of the Australian Beast
333 Number of the Semi-Beast
66 Number of the Downsized Beast
6, uh..., I forget Number of the Blond Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9997856 Number of the Beast on a Pentium
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
X / 666 Beast Common Denominator
0.00150150... Reciprocal of the Beast
-666 Opposite of the Beast
666i Imaginary Number of the Beast
6.66 x 102 Scientific Notation of the Beast
25.8069758... Square Root of the Beast
443556 Square of the Beast
1010011010 Binary Number of the Beast
1232 Octal of the Beast
29A Hexidecimal of the Beast
2.8235 Log of the Beast
6.5913 Ln of the Beast
1.738 x 10289 Anti-Log of the Beast
00666 Zip Code of the Beast
[email protected] E-mail Address of the Beast
www.666.com Website of the Beast
1-666-666-6666 Phone & FAX Number of the Beast
1-888-666-6666 Toll Free Number of the Beast

1-900-666-6666 Live Beasts, available now!
One-on-one pacts!
Only $6.66 per minute! [Must be over 18!]

666-66-6666 Social Security Number of the Beast
Form 10666 Special IRS Tax Forms for the Beast
66.6% Tax Rate of the Beast

6.66% 6-Year CD Interest Rate at First Beast Bank of Hell
($666 minimum deposit, $666 early withdrawal fee)

$666/hr Billing Rate of the Beast's Lawyer
$665.95 Retail Price of the Beast
$710.36 Price of the Beast plus 6.66% Sales Tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Wal-Mart Price of the Beast (next week $646.66!)
$55.50 Monthly Payments for Beast, in 12 easy installments
Phillips 666 Gasoline Used by the Beast (regular $6.66/gal)
Route 666 Highway of the Beast (where he gets his kicks!)
666 mph Speed Limit on the Beast's Highway
6-6-6 Fertilizer of the Beast
666 lb cap Weight Limit of the Beast
666 Minutes Weekly News Show about the Beast (airs daily from Midnight to 11:06 a.m., on Cable Channel 666, of course)
666o F Oven Temperature for Cooking "Roast Beast"
666k Retirement Plan of the Beast
666 mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast
Windows 666 Bill Gates' Personal Beast Operating System
#666666 Font Color of the Beast (the gray in this table!)
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666-I BMW of the Beast
IAM 666 License Plate Number of the Beast
Formula 666 All Purpose Cleaner of the Beast
WD-666 Spray Lubricant of the Beast
DSM-666 (rev) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
66.6 MHz FM Radio Station of the Beast
666 KHz AM Radio Station of the Beast
66 for 6 A Beastly Score for an Innings (in cricket)
6 for 66 Bowling Figures of the Beast
6/6/6 Birthday of the Beast (but in which century?)
 
a little overload, there, spaz, but funny nonetheless ... my brain is swimming
 
President Clinton was walking along with a beautiful dog.

A gentleman came up to the President and said, "What a lovely dog!"



The President responded, "Thank you very much. I got it for Hilary."



To which the gentleman said, "Nice trade.":05:
 
clubchick said:
a little overload, there, spaz, but funny nonetheless ... my brain is swimming
Click to expand...
a little water on the brain never hurt anyone :eek:
 
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