(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
 
How do you know if a man has a high sperm count??
You have to chew before you swallow. :tongue:
 
callmeCrazyButt said:
How do you know if a man has a high sperm count??
You have to chew before you swallow. :tongue:
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That is just gross... :eek:

Is it kinda like chewing gum? LOL
 
Choochoojr said:
That is just gross... :eek:

Is it kinda like chewing gum? LOL
Click to expand...

Now that's gross....I love gum...now that's what I'm going to think of everytime I go to chew a piece.
 
Say it with flowers
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying
flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after
getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
:rolleyes:
 
precocious said:
Say it with flowers
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying
flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after
getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
:rolleyes:
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LOL LOL LOL
 
callmeCrazyButt said:
Yeah you're right...guess I saw that coming ;)
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No comment....I'll let Chooch handle that one....;)
 
one day a wife asks her husband to change a light bulb he said I ain’t no electrian. Later that day she asks him to fix a squeaky door and he said I ain’t no carpenter. That evening she was trying to go the store but the car needed oil so she asked her husband to put some oil in the car and he said I ain’t no mechanic and went to work. After he left a man came by and asked her what was the matter? after she told him he said well i can fix all of that but you have to do something for me, you can have sex with me or bake me a pie. So after he left her husband came home and noticed everthing was fixed he asked his wife how everything got fixed? She said I ain't no Betty Crocker
 
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well I bet he won't."

Homer place $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde place her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very
upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money"

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money..............
 
HA HA! that was a good one anyone else know any more blonde jokes? I can laugh because my hair is auburn
 
hiyouall said:
HA HA! that was a good one anyone else know any more blonde jokes? I can laugh because my hair is auburn
Click to expand...

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blond shouts, "fire!!"
 
Quick Thinker-Not a Blonde!

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for
the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with
the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the
bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he
was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside
the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to
himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to
me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up,
and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking
and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night
together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed,
"Oh no!!My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and
ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He
ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he
got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were
snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said,
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
 
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