(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 
A couple more blond jokes

How do you drown a blond?.......place a mirror at the bottom of a pool

What do you call a blond between two brunetts?.........A wind tunnel
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
 
The Trainee
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day
of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a
coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool,
you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking
to, dummy?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are
talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone. LOL
 
I've heard that one before preco:(

Big Daddy, dehawk and preco were walking down a dirt road when they came across a dead horse in a ditch. The horse had been dead for a few days so it was decaying and very smelly. They decided to make a bet to see who could sit in the ditch the longest before the smell made them jump out. Preco went first and after about 5 seconds she jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", next BD went in and after about 10 seconds he jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", finally dehawk went in and after about 15 seconds the horse jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks"!!!LOL LOL
 
JMB27 said:
I've heard that one before preco:(

Big Daddy, dehawk and preco were walking down a dirt road when they came across a dead horse in a ditch. The horse had been dead for a few days so it was decaying and very smelly. They decided to make a bet to see who could sit in the ditch the longest before the smell made them jump out. Preco went first and after about 5 seconds she jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", next BD went in and after about 10 seconds he jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", finally dehawk went in and after about 15 seconds the horse jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks"!!!LOL LOL
Click to expand...
:claps: :claps:
 
Problem with a neighbor?....

Someone e-mailed this to me. I thought it was cute!LOL




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***May not be safe for work****

no joke...just got this email.....aparently someone photocopied the calendar and had 'fun' with photoshop.....

Nude Firefighters

The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and males.

Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters.

2006 Calendar

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf :rolleyes:
 
precocious said:
no joke...just got this email.....aparently someone photocopied the calendar and had 'fun' with photoshop.....

Nude Firefighters

The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and males.

Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters.

2006 Calendar

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf :rolleyes:
Click to expand...



if i recall correctly, the internet IS for porn :p
 
What did the egg say to the boiling water?

How do you expect me to get hard when I just got laid an hour ago!!:tongue:
 
Men Are Just Happier People--

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. :rolleyes:
 
precocious said:
Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showpost.php?p=158545&postcount=346 :rolleyes:
 
:hmm: Maybe I should post this in the embarrassing moments thread too! :o :hmm: I knew it sounded familiar....:confused:
 
precocious said:
:hmm: Maybe I should post this in the embarrassing moments thread too! :o :hmm: I knew it sounded familiar....:confused:
Click to expand...

Did you commit it to memory and post it or cut and paste it from my "funny" post. :tongue:
 
Big Daddy said:
Did you commit it to memory and post it or cut and paste it from my "funny" post. :tongue:
Click to expand...
No I got it through email....it's a small world you know.....
 
Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked
on the door to clarify the point.
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean
15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
"Pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my breasts." :p
 
precocious said:
Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked
on the door to clarify the point.
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean
15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
"Pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my breasts." :p
Click to expand...

I posted that joke here 4 weeks ago. :rolleyes:
 
precocious said:
:hmm: Maybe I should post this in the embarrassing moments thread too! :o :hmm: I knew it sounded familiar....:confused:
Click to expand...
Oops! Here I go again....:confused:
 
A man concerned about his health, goes to the Dr's office. He tells the Dr. "Dr. I can't figure this out....my penis is orange." The Dr. gives him a full physical but can't figure out what is wrong with this man so he asks him " I can't figurre it out....what do you do all day?" So he says "sit at home watching porn while eating Cheetos."
 
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