(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

The Voice
A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him:
"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed
about what he heard and ignored the voice.

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice
whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignored the voice, thoughhe was very troubled by the event.

Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from
work: "Quit your job, sellyour house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the
man heard the voice he became increasingly upset.

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house,
got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane
in Vegas, the voice told him, Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino,
the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told. When he arrived
at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man
cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good
luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously
watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21.
The voice said, "Damn..."LOL LOL LOL
 
Confident man
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast.":rolleyes:
 
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans :dog:

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A freakin DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when
I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss
here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ??? :rolleyes:
 
MARRIAGE - IT'S NOT FAIR

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 32 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 32 years
ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20
year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 52 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20
year old blond to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed, and not have anything nicer than a 10 inch black and white TV ;)
 
No Fear
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town
got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking
about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort
to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from
the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married
to your sister for over 48 years.":eek:
 
Democrat, Republican or Southerner


Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.


The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.


Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 cal. Glock and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do?
...............................................................................


Democrat's Answer:


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!


Does the man look poor or oppressed?


Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?


Could we run away?


What does my wife think?


What about the kids?


Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?


What does the law say about this situation?


Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?


Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?


Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?


Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?


If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?


Should I call 9-1-1?


Why is this street so deserted?


We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.


This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................................................


Republican's Answer:


BANG!
.................................................................................


Southerner's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...


(sounds of reloading).


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...


Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?


Son: Can I shoot the next one!


Wife: You ain't taking THAT to the Taxidermist!
 
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
 
Story of a happy dog
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
 
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather,

who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
~ Author Unknown





Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin and keep away from children."
~ Author Unknown
 
Last chance for love
The wife of an older man is distraught because her
husband's um . . . little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes
to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor
just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to
the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since
your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put
three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very
happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees
the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says,
"well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an
antidote now to close the coffin.":eek:
 
Beer nuts vs. Deer nuts

What's the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?




Beer nuts are $3.99 a pound....Deer nuts are under a buck...:rolleyes:
 
Medical Exams



1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted
by DR Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a
massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his Cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him
quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a
punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange cloth! ing, entered. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow
the lawn." Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, But the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name :o
 
u have to read this like a rap
this is a fact
yo moms breath is so wack
she doesnt need a tic
she dosent tac
she needs the whole dam pack
 
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
 
lot off them to gether if some one is afennded i am sorry dont take the jokes the wrong way


Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.


Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes



Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 year old friends


Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon



Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind


Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death!



Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!




Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!




Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!




Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!



Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911


Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.



Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."





Yo mama so stupid she thout she got stabbed in a shoot out.




Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.



Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.


and a lil break
 
The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental
asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which
defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub. "

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?" :rolleyes:
 
Michael Jackson Joke

Plastic Surgery: $34,000 Amusement Park: $12,000,000 Legal Fees: $785,000 Making us Laugh: Priceless!
 
I just sat and read all 30 pages. Much applause for all the funnies. I had to pass along some of them! Along with the insomnia, my rear hurts from sitting here and I have to put in my own joke...


A judge comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with the mailman. He yells, "waddya think you're doing???" The wife looksat the mailman and says, "See, I told you he was stupid!"
 
>>>> The 17 Top Country Western Songs:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
>>>>
>>>> 16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All
>>>> Day Long
>>>>
>>>> 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
>>
>>>> 14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
>>>>
>>>> 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
>>>>
>>>> 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
>>>>
>>>> 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better :rolleyes:
>>>>
>>>> 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
>>>>
>>>> 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
>>>>
>> 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
>>>>
>>>> 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison
>>>> By Now ;)
>>>>
>>>> 6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
>>>>
>>>> 5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
>>>>
>>>> 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
>>>>
>>>> 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
>>>>
>>>> 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
>>>>
>>>> And the Number One song is ..
>>>>
>>>> 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman....., But I've Sure
>>>> Woke Up With A Few !!!
>>
 
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