(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Kentucky ?











Everyone has the same DNA.
 
Twice a week
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments,
a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage
was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for
some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over
to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what
had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS
that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.":rolleyes:
 
A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the
woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the
effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I
have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the
results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have
these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!":eek:
 
My cousin moved down South....

True story, my cousin moved down South and has forwarded me a list of things NOT to say when I visit....

I'm not always the fastest learner but after 8 years I've learned some things NOT to say in the south:

After you lost the war ….

Sherman was a great General

Is that rifle just for hunting?

That’s not how we do it in the north.

Why is everyone so damn polite down here?

Is anybody ever is a rush around here?

You forgot your socks

Have you ever been anywhere?

How do I get outa here?

Which way is north?

Is there some sort of store around here?

Isn’t your sister kinda big for that bikini?

Your Pickup is looking pretty tired

Did you ever go to school?

Are your people still on the farm?

Do you live back in the woods?

Your dog’s missing its tag

Looks like you made that shed yourself

May I have bean sprouts with my salad?

Why is the gravy white?

Was this cooked in Pork fat?

Is this food supposed to be healthy?

I don’t see any people of color around here

Who is Dale Earnhardt?

I’ll have a grande latte with skim milk
Click to expand...
 
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim!"
 
HER DIARY




Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.





On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.














Scroll down




















HIS DIARY





I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.:rolleyes:
 
Pirate in the Bar
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg,
a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said,
"Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like
to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate,
"I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard
for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off
Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine!
How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"
he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook...":eek:
 
Another Blonde Joke

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
 
The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked" They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.:28:
 
Drunk Irishman
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar
was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand
one more time with the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air
to sober himself up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decidedto crawl the four
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to
pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as
his head hit the pillow.
He awoke the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been
out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." :rolleyes:
 
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskin from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins And when we have enough we actually send them to the "Internal Revenue Service".

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And..about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
 
> Gambling
>
>
> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
> She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
> With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,"Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...
> "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
> She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
> The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
> "What did she roll?"
> The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
>
> Moral ---
> Not all Southerners are stupid.
> Not all blondes are dumb.
>
> But, all men..... are men.:rolleyes:
 
This one isn't real funny, but I just had to dedicate it to Preco- cause I know how much she loves the South.

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches
around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued
with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct
line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City,
Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more
such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering
a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found
this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God..

But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign
says 25 cents per call Why is that?

(I just love this part)

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied:
"Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call.
 
In light of the Middle East situation, I thought this was appropriate!

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years!

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***in' wall."
 
:claps: Angelgrammi...you rock! :claps:
 
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes??


Nothing, she's already been told twice!:eek:
 
>> It is good to be a woman:
>> 1. We got off the Titanic first.
>> 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder
>>excuses.
>> 3 Taxis stop for us.
>> 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
>> 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
>> 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
>> 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
>> 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
>> 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
>>are still there.
>> 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
>> 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them
>>naked.
>> 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look
>>like an idiot.
>> 13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
>> 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
>> 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence
>>because they aren't listening anyway. :rolleyes:
 
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
 
IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN ...

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You could care less if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood, ALL the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can kill your own food.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me."
* You don't mooch off others' desserts.
* You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 18 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
 
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