(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

callmeCrazyButt said:
A man concerned about his health, goes to the Dr's office. He tells the Dr. "Dr. I can't figure this out....my penis is orange." The Dr. gives him a full physical but can't figure out what is wrong with this man so he asks him " I can't figurre it out....what do you do all day?" So he says "sit at home watching porn while eating Cheetos."
Click to expand...
is this based on a true story :hmm:
 
Boisegirl97 said:
This was e-mailed to me awhile ago ~ enjoy!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Click to expand...

Heard this the other day:

Float Like a Butterfly
Sting Like a Bee
I Slept with your mother
Now it burns when i pee
 
How about

Roses are red
The grass in green
your mouth runs like
a washing machine
 
Doctor Love
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life,
but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to
say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the
grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in
your wife's privates. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard
and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am,
you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband
until you make a ringer around his winky. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to
him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became
more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they
should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad
news. ' 'I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is
as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said,
''You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us. "Ok, go to the
store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... '”:eek: :zip:
 
a man is lying on his deathbed, with his wife next to him. weakly, he looks up at her and says "honey, before i die, there's something i have to tell you"

"shhh" she says, "just relax".

"NO, no, i have to tell you" he replies.

"no, sweetheart, save your strength".

"listen, i have to tell you before i die.. i slept with you sister once".

the wife gently replies, "ssshhhh, it's ok, i know... just relax".

"but you don't understand" the man says, "and your mother, i slept with her too".

"it's alright, shhhh... just save your energy" she says

"there's more" he tells her, "i slept with your best friend and her sister too"

"ssshhhhh" the wife tells him, "just keep quiet, i know, now save your strength"

"but, darling, i also slept with my secretary. i just needed you to know"

"i already know, darling, now just relax and let the poison do its work"
 
this one's for chooch:

A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
 
The Proxy Father

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam.
You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just
where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two
in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my
line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer
opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was
difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the
photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest
my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!":zip: :eek:
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a
question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still-shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared
the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him
so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... I've been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
:eek:
 
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset - I shall be back home before midnight....


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow...."
:05:
 
Wife Vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"


"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
 
Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
 
Preco, Babs and Butty are trapped on a roof. Preco says to the others "Lets split up and try to find a way off the roof, if you haven't found anything in 10 minutes meet me back here." So the three split up and 10 minutes later preco and babs meet up but butty doesn't show. So Preco and Babs go to where Butty was searching and when they looked over the edge of the roof she was standing on the ground safe and sound. "How did you get down" yelled Babs. "well." Butty said, "you see that bin of manure over there, I jumped in that." Preco said "Thats nasty!" Then Butty said "Don't worry, it's only ankle deep." Preco and Babs looked at each other, shrugged and jumped into the bin of manure and sank in up to their necks. Preco says "I thought you said it was only ankle deep!" "It is, if you jump in head first!"
 
Carnival Date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed
120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked
Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight
guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight,
and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really
weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded,
"Oh, Waura, it was wousy.":rolleyes:
 
IN THE BEGINNING:


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMO
 
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