(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Who keeps stealing the shampoo?

The Robber Ducky . . . .
 
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
 
I just heard this joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, frowning, mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
 
Oldie, but Goodie...just like me!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they mustn't get a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, they decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint in the buff.

In the middle of the project, there is a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" they call out.

"Blind man" replies a voice on the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that it can do no harm to let a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tatas," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
 
One for Sunday Morning

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and
wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door
and knock." Genesis! 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I
was afraid for I was naked." :angel:
 
DanC said:
For many many years, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC


When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

:hmm: :hmm:
Click to expand...


er....odd seeing as how im indian and ....my dad owns a conveneint store, cousin owns a gas station, uncles owns a donut shop, and another uncle owns a motel? hmmm.....damn it I want more choices hahah
 
Billy Bob and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon when
Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last
few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie
got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if
Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what
you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year
I'm taking Marie with me."
 
Apocalypse716 said:
er....odd seeing as how im indian and ....my dad owns a conveneint store, cousin owns a gas station, uncles owns a donut shop, and another uncle owns a motel? hmmm.....damn it I want more choices hahah
Click to expand...
:zip: :theyareon
 
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny
rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars
of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a
heart attack while they were making whoopee on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested love making at age 94 was surely asking
for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every
Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the
dings and out with the dongs."
She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that darn
ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
 
FEMALE VOCABULARY

Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine"(See Above).

Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh:
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" (See Above).

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.*My personal favorite :rolleyes:

Thanks:
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
 
Are You Male or Female?


To find the Answer, look down.









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Not here, Stupid! :rolleyes:
 
Q: Why did God create women?

A: Because God took one look at men and said "I know I can do better than this.
 
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!;)
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." :eek:
 
My Joke

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*closes thread now*
 
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