(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

precocious said:
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she
said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith
Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink
cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."

That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no
longer call it the cock pit."

It's the "Box office." :eek: :theyareon
Click to expand...



Or in your case it would be a the "valley of death"
 
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think
I gave him my airplane glue." :eek:
 
Linguistic Evolution...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
 
Answering Machine Greeting:

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!:o
 
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor
one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in
a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my
tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an
acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me
what the problem is?"

"Sure!" said the doctor. "You have way too much time on your hands."
 
The blonde was broke and desperate. She knocked on the door
of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be
willing to work for it. The doctor asked if she would be
willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it.
The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor's wife said
the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only $50.
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way? Around the house?"
the wife asked. "I guess so," the doctor told his wife. A few
minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. "All done," she
said, "and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari.";)
 
Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some
time off from work," said the first man.

"How do you think you will do that?" asked the other worker.

He proceeded to show his method by climbing up to the
rafters and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling,
and asked, "What on earth do you think you are doing?"

"I'm a light bulb" answered the worker.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the
worker jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The other worker began walking out too.

The boss stopped him and asked, "Where do you think you are
going?"

"Home," the worker replied. "I can't work in the dark."
 
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a
very famousartist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- karat
diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald
bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my
husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die
I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking
for the jewelry...";)
 
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she
thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home,
she finds her husband in bed with a woman. The Blonde grabs
the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to Shoot.
The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
 
West of Brokeback Mountain...

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your 'willy'?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.'"
 
:claps: :claps: :claps: :claps: :claps: :claps:

A girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and help me! I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a
moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger."

Looking her square in the eye, he continued, "Second, I'd
advise you to relax..." sighing, he said, "Now, let's put
all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 
I appologize if this joke was already said. I was too lazy to look back.


What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support people will think we are nuts.
 
callmeCrazyButt said:
I appologize if this joke was already said. I was too lazy to look back.


What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support people will think we are nuts.
Click to expand...
:claps: this is dehawk's predicament :claps:
 
clubchick said:
:claps: this is dehawk's predicament :claps:
Click to expand...
Growing your own boobies will do that to you (not YOU literally, well maybe) lol
 
If you are you need to post how for all the women to see:tongue:
 
Whoops sorry, I can't read tonight. It's funny but mine are already grown and it came naturally to me. :tongue:
 
I think we should take this to the Friday night thread so 'I' don't get accused of thread-jacking over here too. LOL
 
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