(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

dehawk said:
My Joke

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*closes thread now*
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Got mod rod envy? Seems you're short a mod rod, can't close a thread....LOL

The joke is on you, you mangy, smelly, skanky coon-dog! LOL
 
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell
asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy
looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended
her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the
gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!".
 
Oh I see, you're going to come back and start sh!t huh? :28: :tongue:
 
Who ME????? That must have been my altar ego talking:angel:
 
Was JMB gone?? oh, well welcome back, then.....:theyareon
 
daredevil said:
Was JMB gone?? oh, well welcome back, then.....:theyareon
Click to expand...

OUCH Daredevil! That wasn't necessary;)
 
Oops!

JMB27 said:
OUCH Daredevil! That wasn't necessary;)
Click to expand...

Didnt mean that as a dig...just my failure to notice.....too poor to pay attention.....;)
 
daredevil said:
Didnt mean that as a dig...just my failure to notice.....too poor to pay attention.....;)
Click to expand...
Run out of gutters? ;)
 
Sure did, Preco...you got any you'd care to donate? LOL
 
This claims to be true ?? LOL

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN ?

ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON
THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments
of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the
lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the
ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little
more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with
a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they
might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (
and becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on the following
course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty
thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes
off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at
the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. !

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a
Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone
insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the
truck and takes off after his master.

Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just
happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking
a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the
policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month
payments...The dog is okay...

Newspaper item from Wisconsin...

AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH? LOL
 
JMB27 said:
Ooooh Busted!!!;)
Click to expand...
geez....did you not read that it claimed LOL to be true.....hang your hat on something else...:rolleyes:...amatuer..*shakes head*
 
ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY



:hmm: :hmm: Whatev!!!!;)
 
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she
said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith
Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink
cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."

That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no
longer call it the cock pit."

It's the "Box office." :eek: :theyareon
 
Driving Test....

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.;)
 
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?":eek:
 
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