(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Twelve things NOT to say to a cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugges in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up w/ me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last cop only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Ok, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up w/ traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says "Gee son...your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond w/, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
 
"You Know You're A New Yorker When...: - From the New York Times

1. ...you're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
2. ...you ride in a subway car with no air conditioning, just because there are seats available. You and the other three passengers look at each other and know you have pure grit.
3. ... you are going home from work by subway and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the stairways at your home station.
4. ...you refuse to eat any pizza slice that can't be folded in half so that you can eat it while you walk.
5. ...you cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas
6. ...paying 7 dollars for cigarettes will eventually seem reasonable.
7. ...you get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road (speed limit, turn signals, etc)
8. ...someone passes out on the train you mistakenly think he is dead and think, "Why does he have to die on MY train because this is going to make me late for my appointment."
9. ...you cross the street anywhere but in the corners, yelling at the cars for not respecting the fact.
10. ...you move 8,000 miles away...spend 10 years learning the local language and yet when you open your mouth to speak people still say, "you're from brooklyn aren't you?"
11. ...you have the guts to claim you know what makes a New Yorker in a public forum even though you've only lived in New York for 2 years.
12. ...you return after 10 or more years living outside NYC, and the first food you want are real pizza and White Castle sliders.
13. ...you start thinking that a 500 square foot apartment is large.
14. ...your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the suburbs that was the same price as your 500 square foot apartment that you commute 35 minutes by subway to...And you think: "sucker"
15. ...you know the differences between the various Ray's Pizza establishments
16. ...you see Harrison Ford walking down the street and nobody seemed to care to look at him.
17. ...you know who Dr. Z is... (inside joke...us NYCers get it)
18. ...you have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have neither ordered from nor even heard of.
19. ...you long for Manhattan's pre-Giuliani openness, even if it meant crack smokers in the subway and the homeless peeing in the hallway.
20. ...you are in another city and stop by what appears to be a "deli" and ask for an Italian hero with the works. They look at you funny--you walk out angry...and hungry.
21. ...you know that the off the shelf insecticides work as laughing gas to the super resistant cockroaches in your building.
22. ...you get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the 4 major food groups: Chinese, Mexican, Cuban or Indian.
23. ...you wouldn't dream of going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
24. ...you ask someone, can you tell me what time is it or should I just go *&%# myself!!
25. ...your internal clock and daily calendar are permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are suspended or in effect.
26. ...you know what a bodega is.
27. ...you lose patience with those who say St. Louis is a world class city.
28. ...you freak out because a stranger says hello.
29. ...you learn how to fold the New York Times in-half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
30. ...you think people from Joy-zee talk funny.
31. ...someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
32. ...you pay no attention to the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.
33. ...you pay "only" $230 a month to park the car.
34. ...you cross the street, almost get hit by a bicycle, and instead of being worried, curse the bicyclist.
35. ...you watch the show "Sex and the City" as a documentary about the people you know.
36. ...you visit friends out of town and you can't get to sleep because the quiet freaks you out.
37. ...you remember Kung-Fu Saturday afternoons on pre-FOX Channel 5 and Abbott and Costello Sunday mornings on on pre-WB Channel 11.
38. ...you remember Matt Lauer before he co-anchored the Today show.
39. ...you think $1200 a month for a small studio is a steal!
40. ...you are willing to pay a 18% broker's fee just to get ahead of the competition...and all he did was unlock the door.
41. ...having a window in your apartment is considered a luxury and not a necessity.
42. ...you are willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
43. ...your dog is bigger than your living room.
44. ...your reaction to a presidential visit isn't "oh boy, what an honor" but "oh no, what a pain traffic is going to be."
45. ...the mere thought of a blueberry or chocloate chip bagel is an insult.
46. ...the names Crazy Eddie, Tom Carvel and Joe Franklin bring a smile to your face.
47. ...when as the announcemnet comes on the PA on the subway platform you turn your head, cock your ear, and when it's over you walk to the stairs to a chorus of, "Wait! Wait! What did she say??!"
48. ...you're annoyed, instead of excited, that they're making a movie on your block.
49. ...you can take a catnap on the subway and wake up when your stop is announced.
50. you looked forward to riding the subway to read the next installment of Marisol and Julio.
51. ...the deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer.
52. ...you understand that the plural form of you is youse.
53. ...you cheerfully make left turns from the right-hand lane and give old ladies the finger as they cut you off in traffic, but would NEVER make a right turn on a red light.
54. ...you know that if a parking space looks too good to be true, it is.
55. ...you're making $70,000 and you're "scraping" by.
56. ...you find yourself fantasizing about apartments listed on the Douglas Elliman website.
57. ...Nothing is north or south, it's uptown or downtown.
58. ...almost everyone you know has a story about how they finally got home after the WTC fell.
59. ...you take harsh criticism of the city by a non-New Yorker as a personal insult, but readily accept and often agree with the same criticism coming from a fellow New Yorker.
60. ...you can read all the posts here, and find yourself nodding with understanding and agreement (to most of them)...
 
"God Bless Mommy and Daddy"

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers
which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,
God bless daddy,
God bless grandma
and
good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say
good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a
strange coincidence. A few months later the father put
the girl to bed and listened to her prayer s,
which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,
God Bless daddy
and
good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought
the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to
bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy
and
good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night
and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He
was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and
watched the clock. He figured if he could get by
until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking
at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally
midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of
relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never
seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just
spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never
believe what happened to me. This morning
the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
 
Quote from Cheers

This isn't really a joke, it's a quote from the show Cheers but it's hilarious!

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members . In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 
Thanks JMB, I never thought of that. I wonder if beer goggles help too?
 
In theroy that sounds good, but why do we do dumb things when we drink ? :confused:
 
Well, butty, to clarify my quote from cheers, in realy life most of the smartest people are the slow unathletic geeks. Well, same in the herd, the smartest ones are the slow ones who get eaten first. Just my :money:
 
Hmm well I am slightly more athletic than I am smart so I guess I am slightly ahead of the game. LOL
 
Three guys go to the washroom and the first one goes comes back out and washes his hands 4 times, the two other guys are looking at him and ask what are you doing? He says, my teacher taught me to be clean. The guy second goes to the washroom comes back out he rolls his sleeves all the way up to his shoulders and washes his whole arms. The 2 guys look at him and say what are you doing? He replies, my teacher taught me to be clean. The third guy goes to the washroom comes back out and just leaves without washing his hands. The 2 guys look at him and say what are you doing? He says my teacher taught me not to pee on myself.
 
The Firefighter and the little Firefighter
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy going down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by his dog and cat.

The fire-fighter walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly.

"Thanks, Mr. fireman," the boy says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's nuts.

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.":cat: :eek:
 
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, "I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!", said the Wizard. "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done!, exclaims the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem!", said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"Is Dorothy here?"
 
Bad Day


While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?"


"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said,

"This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake.":05:
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh:eek:
 
For many many years, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

:hmm: :hmm:
 
A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
 
This is truly an amazing story...

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, severely injuring him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant
 
p23.ht3.jpg
:eek: :zip:
 
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