(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Blonde Joke

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
 
Blonde Cowpoke
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees
a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but
his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.
So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he
is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed
like this?" The cowboy says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff... I was
in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me
to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went
inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my
shirt. So I did... Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to
pull off my pants, so I did... Then she pulled off her panties and
asked me to pull off my shorts... So I did... Then she got on the
bed and looked at me kind of funny and said, 'Now go to town
cowboy'... So here I am.":yo:
 
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
 
Letter Of Recommendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader
 
spazntwitch said:
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
Click to expand...
LOL :claps: :bigok:
 
Not a joke but...

The ones that are purple I find especailly fitting.

You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN when.............
>
>1. "Vacation" means going up north on I- 75.
>
>2. You measure distance in hours.
>
>3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
>
>4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
>
>5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
>
>6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
>
>7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
>
>8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
>
>9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
>10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
>
>11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
>
>12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
>
>13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
>
>14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
>
>15. Down South to you means Ohio
>
>16. A brat is something you eat.
>
>17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
>
>18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
>
>19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
>
>20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
>
>21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
>
>22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
>
>23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
>
>24. You know what a Yooper is.
>
>25. You think owning a Honda is UnAmerican.
>
>26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction
>
>27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
>
>28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
>
>29. You actually understand these jokes
 
I just got this email. Butty, this shows how different NC and MI are!

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED HAVING RELATIVES AND FRIENDS IN NORTH CAROLINA:

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in NORTH CAROLINA.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in NORTH CAROLINA, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it sticks; If it crawls, it bites.

5. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

6. It is not a Shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. "Fixinto" is one word.

10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

12. Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

13. The word "Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.


YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTH CAROLINA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You use "fix" as a verb. For example: "I'm fixing to go to the store "

4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

5. You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave both unlocked.

6. You know what a "DAWG" is.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car .. For your OWN car.

8. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and ketchup.

9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".

12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

13. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World" ... Mall Mart.

14. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good Gumbo weather.

15. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop .. it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. For example: "What kinda coke you want?"

16. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

17. We don't need no stinking driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

18. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from North Carolina (and those who just wish they were). Not EVERYONE can be a NORTH CAROLINIAN, it's an art form and a gift from God! AMEN!!!!!
 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

More than clothes come out of the closets.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH"

__________________________________________________________
and for you visitors,

...You KNOW you're in California! when......


Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Both you AND your dog have therapists
 
New study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

:tongue:
 
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
 
How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune
system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the s tairs
instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR
Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol..
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.
So....... I walk to the liquor store. (exercise ) I put lime in my
Corona...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors
on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress) Then
pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one
in the ass!!!"
This may be my new motto :05:
 
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."
 
HOW TO INSTALL THE HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo
magazine.

3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads, "Hey Bubba - big Mike and I went
for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pitbulls. Better
wait outside. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
pretty bad. I locked all four of them in the house.
 
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of
the rascally behavior that was going on.
So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to
earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for
a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for
a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, yes,
it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5%
are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5%
who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a
little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?






























































































No?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either :ignore:
 
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems," he said. "Every time I go to bed, I think there's
somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?"
asked the psychiatrist.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved
all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now!!!"
 
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .....























A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. :doh: :verysad:
 
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and said, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my
time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to
take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.":05:
 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key Under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant Yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't Contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
 
The preacher rose with a red face: "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one
which a Christian community can not tolerate. I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand
and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!" No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your
heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body
that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and
her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.":o
 
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