(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

precocious said:
You Know You're A Teacher If...
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work from 8:00 to 3:20 and have summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the
report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August and June.
10. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food
group.
11. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.
13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
15. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would
"never dream" of doing your job.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says,
"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be
such fun."
18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must
have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
19. Meeting a child's parent(s) instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"
Click to expand...

:claps: :amen:
 
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing
in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course, the farmer is blond.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing and looking at nothing. The man
gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, "Ah,
excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm
trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I
heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field!""
:rolleyes:
 
Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows. "Twenty dollars..."she whispers. He'd never been with
a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's Only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" For a minute when
all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a Police officer. "What's
going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my
wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the
cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I, until
you shined that light in her Face"!:theyareon
 
Sons

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to th row the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed w ith Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certai n Lego's wi ll pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool fi lters d o not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response
time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

*****Nail polish remover will burn carpet when poured on carpet and lit with a lighter, a wash cloth will help put out the flame and it will take 2-3 hours to get the boys to confess as to what happened. From experience......:proud:
 
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery
Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the
boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two
pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his
choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel --
they say because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel,
Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making
fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the
nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" And
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" ;)
 
Hotel Bill!

THE HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider
this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
__________________
 
The Husband Store!

This one will get me in trouble!



A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
last boyfriend, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at "Husband Mart" and have a nice day.
 
A new wives store opened across the street

saltshaker said:
This one will get me in trouble!



A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
last boyfriend, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at "Husband Mart" and have a nice day.
Click to expand...

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

'nuff said ??? :wave:
 
precocious said:
A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

'nuff said ??? :wave:
Click to expand...

See how easy to please we are, soooo shallow?


Hey, I'm looking for a 95 year old millionairess with a bad heart. They got those?




Second thought, she'd probably be the death of me---never mind
 
How to pop at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TED:
An Uncle Ted is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.
 
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. :faint:
 
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
***

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
***

Young son:
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
***

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late."
***

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
***

If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say,
Talk in your sleep.
***

Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
Men would go through life thinking
They had no faults at all.
***

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***

Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with
A bald head and a beer gut,
And still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
***



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
Ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
And says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
We'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
__________________
 
Last Wish

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says......



"Make 'em all ugly again."
 
Good one JayJay! :claps:
----------------------------

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,
and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife,
" Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?":rolleyes:
 
So, I says to my wife with one leg...

Peg....:doh:
 
So, I says to my wife with diarrea....

Flo...:teeth:
 
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. But if she's menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected
 
So, I says to my wife with a fish hook stuck in her finger...

Barb.......;)
 
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided
to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud
snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what
a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeper,
raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said,
"Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off
her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's
endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of
nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly
tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where
y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
:rolleyes:
 
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