(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Four Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How
was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama,
as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...
things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept
the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get
me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the
bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK!":eek:
 
You know you're getting old when
-You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
-Your back goes out more than you do.
-You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
-You are proud of your lawn mower.
-Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
-You sing along with the elevator music.
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-You send money to PBS.
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You got cable for the weather channel.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
 
MOODS OF A WOMAN
================

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN
==============

Horny
 
How come when you mix water and flour together



you get glue?..





and



then you add eggs





and



sugar...



and you get cake?











Where did the glue go ?





NEED AN ANSWER?





You know darned well where it went!





That's what makes the cake



Stick to your BUTT :p
 
Golf Accident
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I
was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,
we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them
and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there
was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle
of the cow's butt." "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey honey, this looks like yours!'" "I don't remember much after that." :eyebrows:
 
Another Golf Accident
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately
began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told
him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a
few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon
herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man
looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my
thumb still hurts like hell!".:rolleyes:
 
Some guys just don't know when to keep their mouth shut!
 
ITALIAN JOB INTERVIEW
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.



"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"



"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."



The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."


The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (You're going to love this one!!!)


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?" :p
 
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun :eyebrows:
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1,you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." :p
 
MUST..NOT..........LET........COFFEE............SPEW........FROM............NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11:claps: :claps: :claps: :claps:
 
10 Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty

10 Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... Oh! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees, and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
:pumpkin:
Pumpkin%20Butt.jpg
 
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A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?

Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?
 
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school all by himself when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first few days, but one day he came home and asked if he could walk by himself. He wanted to be like the "big boys."

Not wanting to disappoint him, she decided to allow him to walk without her, via plan B (which consisted of recruiting a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to repetitiously follow him to school, at a distance far enough behind him that he would not likely notice he was being followed, but close enough to keep a watch on him).

Mrs. Goodnest was agreeable, since she was up early with her own toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. So, the very next school day Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out to follow behind Timmy as he walked to school. Timmy was accompanied by another neighbor boy he knew.

As the boys walked to school each day, chatting, and kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy began to notice that a lady seemed to be following them every day.

"Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" he asked Timmy.

"Yea, I know who she is," Timmy replied

"Well who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the is she? Why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "Every night Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm in my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it the Psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
 
never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, with his 2 six packs of beer, watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as $h*t".:theyareon

:wave:
 
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...


There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a hammer."
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
 
The Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got
a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him
to go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and
as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him
and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go
as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went
to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time
he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and
played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume
to sure had a real good time!" " :eek: :zip:
 
For Clubby.....

You Know You're A Teacher If...
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work from 8:00 to 3:20 and have summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the
report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August and June.
10. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food
group.
11. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.
13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
15. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would
"never dream" of doing your job.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says,
"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be
such fun."
18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must
have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
19. Meeting a child's parent(s) instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"
 
Forgive me father...
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "Tell me all of your sins,
my daughter." "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot,
passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks
about this long and hard, and says, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze the juice into a tall glass, and drink it." "Will this cleanse
my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile
off your face!" :o
 
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

:claps:
 
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