(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe
problems in bed. The psychiatrist asked her many
questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her
problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while making love?" "Well, yes, I actually did once."
"And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry." At this
point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this
further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
husband's face once during love making; that seems somewhat
unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
LOL
 
So, I says to my friend who thinks he's a fish...

Gil... .
 
So I says to my husband as I stand on his chest....

Matt..........
 
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had
been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They
were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had
nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw
them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear
set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a
large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to
wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The
next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came
home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of
her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station,
We'll never forget you!'"
:05:
 
So, I says to my friend (a painter)..

Art....:proud:
 
Man in 80s goes to Doc for check up. Hard of hearing so he takes his wife in with him. Doc gets done with exam and says "you're in fine shape, all you need is some good home cookin and a lot of lovin". Old man says to wife
"what he say". Old woman says " HE SAID YOU'RE GONNA DIE".
 
Some frog!

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron.." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
__________________
 
Share the pain!

Share the Pain
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
> transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husba! nd felt fine and asked the
> doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
themachine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed
at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The
> husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
> obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She
and her husband were ecstatic! ...How well it worked!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*But ! When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
 
Man: Doctor, Doctor I have a red ring around my (insert words for male reproductive organ - MRO). What should I do????

Doc: Hmmm, curious indeed Let me take a look at it and see what I can do.

Two days later -

Man: Doctor, doctor I have two red rings around my MRO! What should I do?

Different Doc: Hmmm - I have heard of this condition before. Let me take a look at it to see what I can do.

One day later -

Man: Doctor, doctor I have three red rings around my MRO. What should I do?

Third Doc: I have treated this condition many times in my career. I have just the cure for you.

Man (with no red rings around his MRO): Thanks Doc, you're a genius. How did you cure me so quickly???

Doc: Simple -
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
I used lipstick remover.:wave:
 
So I says to my parish priest on his knees at the altar.....

Father Neil.....
 
Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other
had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and
the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to
the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children
dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer
said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name
written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's
just boy stuff." The other farmer said, "You think I don't' know my
own daughter's handwriting?" :rolleyes:
 
So, I says to my friend ( A Phys Ed) teacher...

Jim..............:wave:
 
A man is driving home, when he is pulled over by a patrolman
for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a
collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do
you have all those knives?" "They're for my juggling act," the man
says. "I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets
out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a
car with two guys in it drives by. "Man," says the first guy.
"I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
 
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay, honey" he says, "they're definitely coming for Thanksgiving ... and paying their own way."

Happy Turkey Day Spooffe People & Racoon
 
So, I says to my friend (who thinks he's a pilgrim)...

Happy Thanksgiving!

What??? Were you expecting a joke?
 
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need
to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their
last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a
prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can
sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes
that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking
for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her
the word, comfortable.
" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just
write, comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde.
She'll read it slowly." :05:
 
A married couple goes into a dentist's office. The husband is in
a big hurry. He says, "No expensive extras, Doc. No gas or
needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it
over with." "I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,"
the dentist says. "Now, which tooth is it?" The husband turns
to his wife and says, "Show him your tooth, honey." :eek::brushteeth:
 
So, I says to my friend (a potter)...

Clay...:wave:
 
So I says to my friend (who works at the U.S. Mint)

Bill.....:05:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top