(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Latex Gloves

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
 
Christmas Cake Recipe
You'll need the following:1 cup Water 1 cup Sugar 4 Large
Brown Eggs 2 cups Dried Fruit 1 teaspoon Salt 1 cup Brown Sugar
Lemon Juice Nuts 1 Bottle of Whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again.
To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another Tup. Tune up the mixer.Beat two eggs and add to the bowl.
Chuck in the cup of dried fruit.Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets
stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky
to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon
the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed
 
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a
robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not
what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the
phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!"
the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella,
located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard
they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
they put into a nearby marina, thinking someone there, may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
 
Whip.jpg
:o
 
Bubba Claus
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please
read the following carefully: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement, which happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there
are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads, "These
toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a
cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' raccoon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace!"
 
Only A Mom Would......

:claps: HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a Mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there
was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not
saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that
if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom
 
Three Little Pigs!

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"



but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"







The third piggy says -

















"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
__________________
 
Why some parents drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, The boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"Yes, " whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"


"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
Apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."
 
Father Of Many

:clown: :teeth: A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
 
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of
his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as
fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure
of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress. When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys. So,
frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and
a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that
the elves hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa
cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully,
"Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful
tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? Thus began the
tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree :05:
 
Ten Signs You Are Not Getting A Christmas Bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns
 
No Gift This Year

One year, a particular husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a gift one christmas.
He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her.

The mother-in-law thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes.

So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
Q: What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?

A: Two Test Tickles :clown:
 
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...

The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face! and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.."I would have gotten out today.":34:
 
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas
1.Did you get any under the tree?
2. I think your balls are hanging too low.
3. Check out Rudolph's honker!
4. Santa's sack is really bulging.
5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff.
6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
9. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.. :o
 
Future sister in-lae!

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and we decided to get married.
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my fiance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. Once my girlfriend announced our plans, her sister would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views. It had to be deliberate -- I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.
One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me -- just once -- before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"
The moral of the story?
Be smart, like me. Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season
though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- the year I vowed to give all my gifts I got to charity.
And the No. 1 Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
1. "I really don't deserve this."..
 
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