(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

**Ok, this might be posted in this thread somewhere, but I'm not going back to look for it.........

And so I dedicate this to my gal pal & sole sista..........Clubby :teeth: :cocktail: :hug:

Just in time for New Year's lol....

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH...........

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING
OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE
MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS
AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE
JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5. WE ST ART CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE
LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A
NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING
NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD
AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY
GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT
ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR
FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.:doh:
__________________
 
:claps: it was worth repeating :claps:

now, where's my purse...
 
A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
 
In honor of Football Season...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
 
Closing Thoughts For 2006

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
 
So, I says to my wife (with a sharp tongue)

Barb....:teeth:
 
The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula'
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth
time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical
fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
 
Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who
was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it
was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight
she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she
reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not
reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip
it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and
unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on
the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she
still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind
her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the
first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said,
"How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were
friends.":doh:
 
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from
it at night." So they created a night watchman position and
hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?" So they created a planning department
and hired two people, one person to write the instructions,
and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality
Control department and hired two people. One to do the
studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and
a payroll officer. They then hired two more people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of
these people?" So they created an administrative section and
hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant
Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation
for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must
cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

And that's how government works.
 
12 y/o Scotch
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old
scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference,"
so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip
and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year
old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some
6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the
bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference.
So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from
the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron
a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most
satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of
the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to
the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!"
The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "That tastes like pee!,
" he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish.
Now how old am I?"
 
Two Hunters

Two Hunters

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator) decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.



Remember a couple paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...? Lets talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.



The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.



The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.



Then '''''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM'''''''''''!!!!!!!



The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still has yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
 
So I says to my wife (who loves to bake)...

Cookie.........
 
*highlight to reveal answer

Did you know that diarreah is hereditary? Yup, it runs through your jeans (genes lol)







Why do they call it PMS? Cause Mad Cow disease was already taken.
 
Weight Loss Program

Very funny, viper_dan!


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb.program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
 
A woman is standing in front of the mirror pouting. She says that her breasts are too small, expecting her husband to say, "no theyre not." But instead, he uncharacteristically offers advice. He tells her to take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between her breasts a couple of times every day. "If you keep doing it, theyll get bigger over time." So she figures it cant hurt and gets the tissue and starts rubbing it between her breasts. Feeling silly, she asks him, "do you really think this will work?". The husband replied, "It worked for your ass, didnt it?"
 
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down and his fly area is wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paperwork he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, he finally understood .

Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said "When you saw the garage door open did you see my Hummer parked in there?".

The secretary smiled for a moment and said "No, Sir , I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires".
 
So I says to my wife (who likes small furry animals)

Bunny.....:teeth:
 
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49

Adventurous = Slept with everyone

Athletic = No tits

Average looking = Ugly

Beautiful = Pathological liar

Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure = On medication

Feminist = Fat

Free spirit = Junkie

Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person

Fun = Annoying

New Age = Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded = Desperate

Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate = Sloppy drunk

Professional = *****

Voluptuous = Very Fat

Large frame = Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate = Stalker

A WOMAN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want later = you will pay for this

9. I am not upset you moron! = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces

attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with

rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and

set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved

up his backside. :)
 
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