(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Money Funnies

A woman walked up to the branch manager of a bank.
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the help we need."

"In that case, would you mind trying to find someone to help me in the safe deposit area?" she asked.


- - - - - -- - - --

Mandy's husband, Wes, was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.
"Your finances are in terrible shape." the banker stated. "Your checking accuont is overdrawn and your loan is overdue."

"Yes, I know." said Wes "It's my wife; she is out of control."

"Why do you allow your wife to spend more money that you have?" asked the banker.

"Frankly," replied Wes with a deep sigh. "Because I would rather argue with you than her."
 
DanC said:
Someone explain to me how that was HIS fault! :mad:
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Silly Squirrell....it's always 'his' fault...*shakes head*...:rolleyes:

*BTW..the definition of a 'squirrell..is a tree dwelling rodent....:eek:*
 
A friend of mine sent me this joke :rofl:


Anger Management~

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl for hours.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush. :rofl:
 
JoyceHarkless said:
A friend of mine sent me this joke :rofl:


Anger Management~

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl for hours.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush. :rofl:
Click to expand...
:bigok: he he he :rolleyes:
 
An Irish priest is transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
 
One day, a man was sitting at a bar in Chicago. He looks over and sees
this guy who looks exactly like him. He says to the other guy, "Hey, you
look just like me!" The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers, "Chicago." "Me too!" says the second guy,
"What street do you live on?" "49th Street," answers the first guy.
"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited.
"What's your address?" "951." "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What
are your parents' names?" "John and Cathy," says the first guy.
"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the one whose
shift is about to start asks if anything is new. "No," says the first
bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again.""
 
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to
call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message
after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the
changes."
 
One night at the dinner table, the Bob's wife commented,
"When we were first married, you took the small piece of
steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and
leave me the smaller; I'm not sure you love me any more."

"Nonsense, darling," replied Bob. "You just cook better now."
 
The happy day was here and June’s baby was born.

June’s son was a remarkable baby and was born with the gift of perfect speech and advanced intelligence. All the doctors and nurses were amazed at this wonder.

As the baby snuggled in his mother’s arms, he said “Thank you mother for eating the right foods, exercising properly and taking good care of me for the nine months.

He motioned the doctor over and said “Doctor Casey, I want to thank you for such a perfect job in bringing me into this world.”

To the nurses, he said “Thank each and every one of you for your caring and tenderness.” The baby made sure he thanked everyone in the room.

“Now, I have a special thank you for my father. Please move closer”

As the Dad got within the baby’s reach, the baby poked his father in the left eye! “Ouch” cried the Father. – then the baby jabbed his finger in his father’s right eye! “Damn” – the baby then proceeded to poke, jab, stick his finger all about his Father’s face.

“Stop it! Why are you doing this to me? You thanked everyone in the room and all I get is smacked. Why?” asked the Dad.

“Now you know what it feels like.” Was the reply.
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 
A Dog's Diary
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Breakfast! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mommy / Daddy! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Kisses and Hugs! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dinner! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
10 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A Cat's Diary
Day 768 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meats and green leafy vegetables, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.
I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
Late in the evening there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced that the other captives here are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the small barred room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait. It's only a matter of time..........:cat:
 
I know I havent contributed much, and I hate to criticize, but arent there any new jokes? I've either read or heard almost all the most recent jokes posted.
 
LiveSquid said:
I know I havent contributed much, and I hate to criticize, but arent there any new jokes? I've either read or heard almost all the most recent jokes posted.
Click to expand...
I know better than that....:rolleyes:


:clown: :rofl:
 
I shouldve clarified.. I do like to criticize, but I dont want to criticize you guys posting the jokes.
 
We knew what you meant, but do you expect us to ignore a target that big?

Hey, it just shows we care about ya
 
I dont blame you bit. I'm pretty easy to care about. I'm awesome.
 
LiveSquid said:
I dont blame you bit. I'm pretty easy to care about. I'm awesome.
Click to expand...

Sort of like....a pet rock?

Oh, that would be care for........:doh: ....my bad...:flowers: or would you rather a man pic?
 
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
One day they met up and discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house
for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with
a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.
You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you
know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable
parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter,
the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one
son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another,
"I am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home,
so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest
Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
 
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