(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
- Thread starter dehawk
- Start date
Cats
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took s o long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took s o long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Interesting. This is close to the reason that I am going to name my next dog 'Grandma" if its a girl and 'Grandpa' if its a boy.
I cant wait to tell people that I have to take Grandma to the vet for her shots. Or that Grandpa likes Pedigree over Purina. Or about how I discipline them by swatting them on the nose with a paper towel roll. Its going to be awesome.
I cant wait to tell people that I have to take Grandma to the vet for her shots. Or that Grandpa likes Pedigree over Purina. Or about how I discipline them by swatting them on the nose with a paper towel roll. Its going to be awesome.
DanC
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precocious
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Grandma finished her cat food, I need to get her more! :rofl:
You really need to muzzle Grandpa, he keeps biting all the neighbors and pooping on their front lawns, not to mention getting half the neighborhood pregnant!
You really need to muzzle Grandpa, he keeps biting all the neighbors and pooping on their front lawns, not to mention getting half the neighborhood pregnant!
Last edited:
No. Grandma will not eat cat food. Grandma will be a dog. I will not have a pet cat. I hate cats. Cats suck. The only cat food I will ever serve will be a cat, to my dogs, as food.
I dont think that muzzling Grandpa will keep him from pooping on the lawns though.
I dont think that muzzling Grandpa will keep him from pooping on the lawns though.
diGriz
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Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.
Jesus stops them and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.
At which point Jesus looks over and says... "Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"
Jesus stops them and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.
At which point Jesus looks over and says... "Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"
precocious
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To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door (nose height).
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur" niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur" niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
K Ma
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THATS MY STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT
The Seamstress
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting
close to a river,her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appearedand asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into
the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a
living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a
golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a
silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather
thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave
her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with
George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you
would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health
and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S
why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's
for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
The Seamstress
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting
close to a river,her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appearedand asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into
the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a
living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a
golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a
silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather
thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave
her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with
George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you
would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health
and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S
why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's
for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
K Ma
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Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Graying hair adds attraction.
Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Graying hair adds attraction.
Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
DanC
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"Johnny," said the teacher, "If coal is selling at $6 a ton
and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring
you?"
"A little over three tons, ma'am," answered Johnny.
"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.
"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all
do it."
Does this mean that the coal dealer is a woman?
and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring
you?"
"A little over three tons, ma'am," answered Johnny.
"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.
"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all
do it."
Does this mean that the coal dealer is a woman?
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in
a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main
Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation
sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was
sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do.
He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the
woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald
stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her
skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said,
"Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar.
" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, if you're
that far into the game, you may as well finish!"
:rofl: I had to read that last part twice...
a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main
Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation
sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was
sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do.
He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the
woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald
stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her
skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said,
"Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar.
" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, if you're
that far into the game, you may as well finish!"
:rofl: I had to read that last part twice...
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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:dog:Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me...
not funny... not funny at all !!!
2.. Yelling at me for barking..
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk,
then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves
balancing food on my nose...
stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo
what a proud moment for the top of the
food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out
every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters.
Hello ???,
Haven't you noticed the fur?
10.. How you act disgusted
when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's,
We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your poop
do you ??? :dog:
1. Blaming your farts on me...
not funny... not funny at all !!!
2.. Yelling at me for barking..
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk,
then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves
balancing food on my nose...
stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo
what a proud moment for the top of the
food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out
every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters.
Hello ???,
Haven't you noticed the fur?
10.. How you act disgusted
when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's,
We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your poop
do you ??? :dog:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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The Italian and the Ferrari
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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Fun with Blondes
A blonde gets a dent in her car and takes it to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman is blonde, decides to
have a wee bit of fun. So he tells her that all she has to do is
take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent pops itself
out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend comes
over and asks what she is doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent,
but it's not really working." "Duh. You have to roll up the
windows first!":doh:
A blonde gets a dent in her car and takes it to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman is blonde, decides to
have a wee bit of fun. So he tells her that all she has to do is
take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent pops itself
out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend comes
over and asks what she is doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent,
but it's not really working." "Duh. You have to roll up the
windows first!":doh:
diGriz
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A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.
He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir...they're called bullets!":wave:
He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir...they're called bullets!":wave:
diGriz
Fargin Mayans.
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Happy Valentine's Day
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS!
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS!
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
Is that how you got into the dog house...? :dog:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2005
- Messages
- 20,077
- Reaction score
- 972
- Points
- 0
A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them. His curiosity
getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him
what he's doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer,"
the man replies.
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them. His curiosity
getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him
what he's doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer,"
the man replies.
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.