(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Joyce woke up FEISTY this morning
 
Ladies, since you're having a little 'spat', this ones for you:

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was
from Georgia) were conversing on the porch swing of a large
white-pillared mansion. The first woman, who was not from
Georgia, said, "When my first child was born, my husband
built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Georgia lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see
parked in the drive."
Again, the Georgian lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Georgian lady commented, "Well, isn't that
nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Georgian lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "What on Earth for?"
The Georgian lady responded, "So that instead of saying,
'Who gives a care' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
 
Painter An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news
and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad
news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was
your doctor."
;)
 
I just got my new Lexus RX400H and returned to the dealer the
next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio
worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice
activated "Watch this." He said "Nelson!" The Radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued, and "On The Road Again" came from the
speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every
time I'd say "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I
said "Beatles!" I'd get one of their songs. Etcetera, etc., and etc.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car,
but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled "A$$H**ES!".

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on
drums, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on booze.
Man, I LOVE this car!:driver:
 
I think it shoulda been a duet with Dubya and Cheney, with backup by Rumsfeld.
 
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"
 
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes
in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth
with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't! The oldest one, He's 9 and the younger one, She's 7. Why the
Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look
alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex
with you twice."
 
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
 
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
 
This one is for everyone who ....

a) has kids,

b) had kids,

c) was a kid,

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids



I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending
To eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
 
Wee bit of Irish humor to get yee into the mood....

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.


"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,

"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken sh**" ---------------

irish.gif
 
One morning a kindergarten Teacher said to her class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $5 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Andrew." The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and
I'll give you the $5."

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know,
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business
is business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him..

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
A little boy goes to his father and asks

"Daddy, how was I born?" The father

answers: "Well son, I guess one day

you will need to find out anyway! Your

Mom and I first got together in a chat

room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date

via e-mail with your Mom and we met

at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a

secluded room, where your mother

agreed to a download from my hard

drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,

we discovered that neither one of us had

used a firewall, and since it was too late

to hit the delete button, nine months later

a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

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You got Male
:preggers:
 
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over...

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
:yo:
 
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