(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor
editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in
which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you
detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears
completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple
question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he
hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."

OK, be honest. If you don't know the answer you can ask.:teeth:
 
Blonde in the Snow

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that

visibility was almost

zero when the little

blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and

wondered how she was

going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought

about her

situation.



She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she

got caught in a

blizzard she should wait for

a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she

would not get stuck in a

snow drift. This made

her feel much better and sure enough in a little

while a snow plow went by

and she started to

follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was

feeling very smug as they

continued and she was

not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had

passed, she was somewhat

surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver

got out and came back to

her car and signaled

for her to roll down her window.



The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all

right as she had been

following him for a long

time.She said that she was fine and told him of her

daddy's advice to

follow a snow plow when

caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was

ok with him and she

could continue if she

wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot

and was going over to

Sears next.
 
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told
his best friend Mike."Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an
affair?" his friend suggested."But what if my wife finds out?""Heck, we
are almost on the beginning of the 21st century, Brian. Go ahead and
tell her about it!"So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair
will bring us closer together.""Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried
that many times - it never worked."
 
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented
him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I
were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn
pledge."

"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside
and take a walk." he explained.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after
day for some 75 years now."
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."
 
"A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a questionand tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from A large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared The daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied,
"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it
takes a while to warm them up again.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying . :tongue:
 
The front door was accidentally left open and our
dog was gone.After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got
in the car and went looking for him.He drove around the neigbourhood
for some time with no luck.Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a
walk and asked if they had seen our dog."You mean the one following your
car?" they asked.
 
Mars vs. Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw
 
Prize Winning Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me beautiful wife!" That won him
the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home
and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the
night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day,
Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told
me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there
twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"
 
Sheer Lingerie
A husband walks into Fredrick's of Arkansas to
purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer,
the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the
$500 and take the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and
asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs,
the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well
be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears
naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
"Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
 
Now, she probably got mad, but if you analyze his response and the underlying mental image which drove it, he gave her quite a complement.
 
A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and
asked to see the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern', don't
you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to
have a contamination." "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse
corrected her. "Well I want to go to the fraternity ward, anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl
replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity,
maternity... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't
demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant.
:stupid:
 
ld Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the
restaurant for "Enjoyment of food." He decided to go to the
restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from
them.
The manager's response was, "You're enjoying our food, so
you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the
hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their
side of the case.
The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits
outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It
is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food
and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Abraham and asked, "What do you have to
say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket
and rattled the few coins he had inside.
"What is the meaning of that?" asked the judge.
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with
the sound of my money."
 
There were two old men living in the backwoods of New Jersey
.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each
other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence
would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at
each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim .... or I'd swim
this river and whup your behind!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim ....
or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny behind!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and built a
bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this
yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally .... Mrs. Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!!
Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge .... have a go at it."
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place,
"I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's
behind!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank,
came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge,
walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up .....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE
DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING
AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the
bridge .... I stepped up on the bridge .... walked halfway over
the bridge .... looked up ...."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said ....
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" .... he ain't never looked that
big from the other side of the river" !!!
 
Hey Cous...

DanC said:
There were two old men living in the backwoods of New Jersey
.... Rufus and Clarence....
Click to expand...

I didn't know you knew about Rufus & Clarence.

They'd be right happy that you wrote about them. Them being from Salem County (in the shadow of the tower) they don't get any internet.:yo:
 
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply."But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.
 
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

"Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fu****g Goofy!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top