(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"
 
So I calls Home Depot to speak to a friend at work......

so I says, "can I speaks to me friend who works in the outdoor department? His name is Patty, Patty O'Furniture...."

Yeah I know it's lame, it's getting harder and I'm getting desparate...
 
Why didn't the skeletons play music in church?


Because they don't have organs....:p
 
Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner
to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with
my oldbuddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those
are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night
.......... whether you're here or not."
 
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
 
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the
breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
 
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother
of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's
time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as
well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
 
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed.. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests
 
Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth."It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!

It's called Bunk Beds!" " and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"
 
T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered,there
was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and
repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back
to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally
decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.'
Get it duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey,
It's Thursday"
:doh:
 
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
 
Don't Wake My Parents
A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night. With her
parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet.
So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom, rather
than send him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told
him to use the kitchen sink instead. A few minutes later, he
popped his head around the door. "Have you finished?" she
whispered. "Yeah," he said. "Have you got any paper?


Ewwwww! :eek:
 
Who Says Men Forget Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

:doh: "I would have gotten out today." :34:

**Might be a re-post** :rofl:
 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart

Covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the

eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then

closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.



At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes

Stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm

A gynecologist."



That's when the proctologist fainted.
 
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
 
Finally,a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This was sent to me by an Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!
 
So I says to my friend (a leprechaun)

Happy St. Patrick's Day.........Shorty.:doh:
 
First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he Takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's is first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to now about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the do or. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist. :doh:

:p
 
You Know You're in New York City When...

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."
 
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool. Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to
the bottom of the pool and stayed there!

Edna promptly jumped in and saved him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's
heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged. Since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim,
the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom
with the belt of his robe, right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself....I put him
there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 
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