(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago,an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.""That's not bad.""But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.""Sounds like you should be grateful...""You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?""This week... nothing!"
 
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period"

Are you ***ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man.
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer"
or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
 
The Mommy Test

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I
took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
 
A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes that they have committed.The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is spared and released to go free. The Doctor is brought up in hackles and placed in the guillotine.The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is spared and released to go free.The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.The executioner reaches for the lever to activate the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I think I've figured out your problem!
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.
2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.
3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.
4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women do not know each
other.know each other.":eek:


Corduroy pillows :rofl:
 
What do procrastination and masturbation have in common?

You only end up screwing yourself. :rofl:
 
searched for this--hope its not a repost ;-)



Body fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ?"


Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
 
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.
This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.
The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer - he will no longer reproduce!"
 
LiveSquid said:
A woman is standing in front of the mirror pouting. She says that her breasts are too small, expecting her husband to say, "no theyre not." But instead, he uncharacteristically offers advice. He tells her to take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between her breasts a couple of times every day. "If you keep doing it, theyll get bigger over time." So she figures it cant hurt and gets the tissue and starts rubbing it between her breasts. Feeling silly, she asks him, "do you really think this will work?". The husband replied, "It worked for your ass, didnt it?"
Click to expand...

menahmenah said:
searched for this--hope its not a repost
Click to expand...

Sorry menahmenah, stragely enough, this is the only joke Ive posted. lol. On Jan 16, no less.
 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.Then he understood why...The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:Psycho-the-rapist.
 
Blonde Easter

Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly
gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the
gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something
about why you're here."
The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain
to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the
holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats
turkey, and..."
"Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second
blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know,
Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents and celebrate His birthday."
St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He
turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the
other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the
Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples
were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the
Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified
and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified
Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder." St.
Peter smiled and nodded.
The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that
Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks
of winter."
St. Peter fainted...
 
The Importance of good grammer

Harry is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things. Nothing works, so the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame. There is a flash of billowing blue smoke. He says "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. You say '123' and it will rise for as long as you wish."

The guy asks "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies
"All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night, ready to surprise Joyce, he showers, shaves, and puts on an exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks "What did you say 123 for?"
And that is why you should not end a sentence with a preposition.
 
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the
men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last
month?""Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.""That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across
his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem
and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!"He turned to his wife,
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
 
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said."Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now...Love, Mom
 
Greeter Said

A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said,

"Automotive, aisle 15."

The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said,

"Sporting goods, aisle 28."

The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said,

"Tampons, aisle 5."

The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
 
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

They both have wet noses!
 
A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is
the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do
Not Disturb'!"
 
A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she
couldn't step. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the
zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of a sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus. She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough
either for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
 
Grandma
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of
himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes
that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says: Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...
it makes your nose look short.
Love, Grandma"
 
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