(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Why DiGriz isn't allowed to take his son out.....

DiGriz's boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied ,
"Good bourbon and women with big breasts."
 
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Two guys were in a locker room taking a shower after a game of
squash when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"That looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't. It's stuck there permanently."
"How in the hell did it happen?"
"Well, I was walking along the beach, and I tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and said he could
grant me a wish. Unfortunately my immediate reaction was, "No sh*t!"

:eek:
 
Because of the shortage of jobs in the town, a boy applied for work on
a farm.
The foreman told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and
bucket.
An hour later the boy returned dirty and sweaty, bucket in one hand and
broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was
getting the cow to sit on the stool."
 
precocious said:
DiGriz's boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied ,
"Good bourbon and women with big breasts."
Click to expand...

:bigok: Thanks for the PM - I would have missed this.
 
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then,he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
 
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
 
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to
say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly
shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths
to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
:ignore: :34:
 
Why parents drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through t he earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now tr uly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ." :o
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to
ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may
elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting
and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir The man pulls off his oxygen
mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
:eek: :o
 
The Female Brain

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've
actually been used."
 
How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com".
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop".
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT".
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin".
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star.
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya’ll" or "Hey Bubba".
 
A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a
seven ten cap. All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a
seven ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine
got lost somehow and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is
it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no,
she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a
circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does
it do?" they ask. She says, "I don't know, but it has always been
there." One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she
could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches
in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the
counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall
down behind the counter laughing hysterically. :rofl:






















































(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)
:doh:
 
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the
White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
like, and he replies,
.."I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark
wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in
your second term of office for a year!" As the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...........
"It's pronounced 'quiche'. :doh:
 
It was Postman Bill's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the
first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door,
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. When I asked him what to give you he said, "Screw Postman Bill, give him a buck."

The lady then said,

"The breakfast was my idea.
 
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>>
>> 1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
>> down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
>> itself.
>>
>> 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone >> else
>> to hold while you chop.
>>
>> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
>> using the sink.
>>
>> 4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
>> few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
>> use a timer.
>>
>> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent >> you
>> from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
>> button.
>>
>> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
>> will be afraid to cough.
>>
>> 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
>> doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
>> does, use the duct tape.
>>
>> 8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to >> know
>> them.
>>
>> Daily Thought:
>>
>> SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
>> BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
>>
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there. Took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
 
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,

"I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says.

"Who is Rosie O'Donnell?
 
A man setting in a bar next to a beautiful lady, who's wearing the tightest fitting pants he has ever seen. He keeps looking at her with wide eyes, so she finally asks, "What's wrong?"
He said, "Lady, I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous, but I was wondering, just how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?"
She looks at him, smiles, and says, "You might start by buying me a drink."
 
The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and
saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing
on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots. The sheriff arrests
him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks,
"Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The cowboy says,
"Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and
this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home
with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top
and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off
her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did... Then she
pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and
says, 'Now go to town cowboy...' So here I am."
 
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