(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Youse guys are funnier than the joke :rofl:
 
Old Men At A Bar
Thursday 05-24-2007 1:11am ET
Four retired guys were walking down a street in Chicago, when they saw a sign that said:

"OLD TIMERS' BAR. ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS."

They go in.


The old bartender said, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully stocked bar, so the four men each asked for a martini.

The bartender serves up four iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They paid the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis were produced with the bartender again saying,

"That's 40 cents, please."

Their curiosity was more than they could stand. They asked the bartender,

"How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime a piece?"

The bartender began, "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

The three couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

They asked the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender said, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."
 
Disclaimer: may offend certain groups of people. If you don't like it, don't complain...

A Jew, an Italian and Black are sitting at the bar when this really old guy enters. Italian says, "Hey, look at this guy, he's so old, I bet he's God". The Black guy says to the man, "Sir, we were thinking that because you are so old, you must be God". "I am", replies an old man.

The Jew says, "prove it". The old man puts out his hand, touches the chest of the Jew, closes his eyeys, and says: "Your heart is very ill.....1...2...3...Poof!, but now you're healed and will live a long fruitful life".

Then, he sticks a finger into the Italian man's bottom, and says: You have a prostate cancer.....1....2...3...Poof!, and now you're cured and will live a long fruitful life".

The 3 men look at each other in disbelief. Then the old man turns to the Black guy, but before he could even reach out with his hand, the Black guy jumps back and horrified, scremas out" Stand back, f***er, I'm on a disability!" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
Arent you the same guy who raised hell because people were making fun of fat and old women? All I can say is wow.
 
I'd say that was an equal opportunity offender joke.
Well done!
 
Feel better in 7 easy steps

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
 
LiveSquid said:
Arent you the same guy who raised hell because people were making fun of fat and old women? All I can say is wow.
Click to expand...

a joke is a joke, so don't shoot the messenger

DanC said:
I'd say that was an equal opportunity offender joke.
Well done!
Click to expand...

"affirmative action" at its best, isn't it?! ;)


....and since we're still on the subject,

from a comedy club last night: How do you make a homosexual man have sex with a woman? Easy! Just put some poop in her vagina! :rofl:
 
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says:
"Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt
so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants .. so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ", and here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!
 
gr8nrg said:
a joke is a joke, so don't shoot the messenger



"affirmative action" at its best, isn't it?! ;)


....and since we're still on the subject,

from a comedy club last night: How do you make a homosexual man have sex with a woman? Easy! Just put some poop in her vagina! :rofl:
Click to expand...

ewwww! *runs around of the room doing the eww-ie dance*
 
There is a young girl in sunday school and her teacher wants to ask her 3 questions
1. Her teacher asked her "Who created the earth we live on"
a boy pokes with a pencil and she yells "God almighty". the teachers says "That's right"

The next question that the teacher asks her who died on the cross for our sins? The boy pokes her again and she yell "Jesus christ". her teacher says "That's right"
3. The last question is. "What did eve says to adam when they were makin babies. The boy pokes her agian and she yells "I swear to god if u poke me with that thing one more time i will break it in half"
 
Dan,

Your Alzheimer's is sinking in early for you, man. You posted the same joke 9 comments ago.... :rofl:

And yet, it's funny the second time around!
 
DanC said:
Yeah, it's a bi**h.
Thanks for telling me.
Click to expand...

Nooooooo! LOL, you should have left the post......now I forgot what it's all about....:convinced: :tongue:
 
gr8nrg said:
Nooooooo! LOL, you should have left the post......now I forgot what it's all about....:convinced: :tongue:
Click to expand...

I propose we delete all mention of this.
 
It's improper to poke fun at fools and idiots, unless they hold public office. In that case, it's mandatory.
 
This one is for our resident techies:

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Sam, the computer guy,
to come over. Sam clicked a couple
of buttons and solved the problem. He
gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID
ten T Error? What's that In case I need to fix it again?"
Sam grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said,"and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down...........

I D 1 0 T


I used to like Sam.
 
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law."

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert."

"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want."

"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe."

"Then, you will massage my feet and hands."

"Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife thought about it for a moment and replied,

"The friggin' funeral director would be my first guess."
 
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
 
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