(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

:doh:I don't know why Choo came to mind when I saw this...:p



:rofl:




































rdin630l.jpg
 
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very Moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
:p
 
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... An auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!";)
 
Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having
a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
 
A police officer, who was hoping to catch someone drunk, waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight, so he parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to come out drunk and try to drive. Sure enough, at 11:45pm, a man came stumbling out of the bar. It took him five minutes to get to his car and another five to turn the car on. The police officer sensed victory and let the man start driving. He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the tavern. He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of that bar and you were pretty loaded." "Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man. "How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer. "Anoout fiften," said the man. "FIFTEEN! And you're trying to drive?!? You will get life for this," said the officer. "Hop out of the car. I am going to run some tests on you," said the officer. The man hopped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABCs fowards and backwards. The police officer didn't get it. "Okay, let me smell your breath," said the officer. "Sure," said the man. He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelled no beer on his breath. "Well, I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you stumble out of the bar so drunk?" "Oh, I'm the DD," said the man. "A designated driver?" "No, a designated decoy," said the man.
:driver: ;)
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
 
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.":05:
 
wadaya call a guy that never farts in public?

a private tuter!
 
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"
:rofl:
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool.
 
Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked, "Have you heard
of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one
and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the
phrase "family jewels."
 
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly, asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
 
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about that time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!"
 
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of a northern Michigan university. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the
woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days
later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into
the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him
from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began
to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming
out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a
creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like
you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."
 
Saturday

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman (other than his wife) naked and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday, at 4:00pm EST all American women are asked to walk out of their homes (completely naked) to help weed out any neighborhood Muslim terrorists and circle your block for one hour for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men (in a show of support) are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its OK to see nude women. Also, since Islam does not approve of alcohol, keep a six-pack of beer at your side as further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.
 
diGriz said:
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman (other than his wife) naked and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday, at 4:00pm EST all American women are asked to walk out of their homes (completely naked) to help weed out any neighborhood Muslim terrorists and circle your block for one hour for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men (in a show of support) are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its OK to see nude women. Also, since Islam does not approve of alcohol, keep a six-pack of beer at your side as further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.
Click to expand...


You, sir, are a genius!!
:rofl:
 
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? ... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ... An impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes
On their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, . Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!" :o
 
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo.ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied...
 
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."


"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
 
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