(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing In
line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
Because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.
 
How to turn a duck into a Rythym & Blues singer:

Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers!:bigok:

Thank you....Thank you....I'll be here all week.....:yo: :wave: :tongue:
 
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works !!!
 
Not a joke, but it's interesting.

#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries are getting weak?

#2..Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
funds" when they know there is no money in the account?

#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there
are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

#4...Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?

#6...Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

#8...Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?

#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?

#11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?

#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on
sale?

#13..Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat
will have materialized?

#14..Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach
down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end you first try?

#16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed
light fixtures?

#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams
our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so,
why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why
don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?

#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

#20..How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you
try it like your wife told you to do it?

#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed,
then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

#23...The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
 
I don't know, tell me why, please.
 
A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were
arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree
that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker
challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree
with no problem.

The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian
woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely
unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed
confidence that he could do it and accepted the
challenge.

After flying to Canada , the Hawaiian woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two
woodpeckers were now confused.

How is that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck
the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able
to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to
peck the tree in their own country?

After much pecking, they both came to the same
conclusion. Your pecker is always harder when you're
away from home.
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Peggy.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a
full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell
at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club
so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I
hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on July 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and
a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder The all-woman jury took
only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim
somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 
callmeCrazyButt said:
Jim died suddenly on July 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and
a sledge hammer laying nearby.
Click to expand...

What a waste of a nice golf club. Probably could have had the same effect with a cheaper sand wedge.
 
My long-passed grandmothers birthday is coming up, and for me it's a time to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advise she used to give.

Much was wasted because I was young when she died.
If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most as the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advise came when I was 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told ma that one day I'd find a great woman and start my own family.
"And dear, remember this always", she said, "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She said in her soft voice..."Makes your pecker look bigger."
 
A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and
cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is
none of the $30,000 left.

The friend says, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500.
And, of course, I made donation to the church - that
was $500. I spent another $500 for the wake, food
and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial
stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats..."
 
This is a really bad joke! :tongue:



Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you>can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round
the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where 's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block,so another dog is pushing her home."
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it , constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll kick your butt all over this ranch!"
 
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part
died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "oh,
I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall
with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he
met Nurse Tracy "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't
be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private
Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied
Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
" "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" "Well, Mr. Goldstein replied, "Today's the viewing."
 
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted IT on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
 
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.
 
Not a joke. This actually happened.

I went to the grocery store with a friend of mine who just happens to be a rather large, African-American, gay man. As we were headed across the parking lot, a little old lady was walking towards us. She took one look at my friend and clutched her purse very tightly to herself. He stopped, looked her up and down and said, "Honey, unless you have a man in that purse, you don't have a thing that I want."
 
What our world is- coming to--TENJOOBERRYMUDS!!

By the time you read through this YOU WILL
UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our
home land), we all need to learn the NEW English
language!

Practice by reading the following conversation until
you are able to understand the term
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right
in with the growing trend!!!

Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between a
hotel guest and room-service:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen???"
G: "Uh.....Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: ".....What??"
RS: "Ow July den?!?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry...
scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I...don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were
saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put the butter on the
side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please...and that's everything."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem,
Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy..rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."
G: "You're welcome."
 
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my f** ing fault."
:doh:
 
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
 
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