(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

An engineer of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
>> Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates,
>> St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good
>> man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
>> your reward is you can hang out with anyone you
>> want in Heaven."
>>
>> The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then
>> said, "I want to hang out with God."
>>
>> St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced
>> him to God.
>>
>> The engineer then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the
>> inventor of women?"
>>
>> God said, "Ah, yes."
>>
>> "Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional,
>> you have some major design flaws in your invention.
>>
>> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
>>
>> 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
>>
>> 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
>>
>> 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
>>
>> 5. And finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous."
>>
>> "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
>> replied God, "hold on."
>>
>> God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a
>> few words and waited for the results. The computer
>> printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>
>> "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
>> said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers,
>> more men are riding my invention than yours."
>>
>
 
Three engineers were having a heated discussion about theology -- trying to determine what branch of engineering G*d was trained in.

The first, a mechnical engineer, argued that G*d must be a mechanical engineer. "Look at the human skeleton, the intricate lattice of bones and cartilige allowing humans to engage in an infinite variety of movements. The beauty, the poetry of the structure proves it. G*d MUST be a mechanical engineer."

The second, an electrical engineer disagreed. "Sure, the skeleton is nice, but it's only a sideshow. The true beauty of human creation is the brain and nervous system. All the synapses and neurons and axons firing in precise timing to allow the masterpiece that is human thought. G*d must be an electrical engineer."

The third, a civil engineer, said simply, "Nope. G*d is a civil engineer."

"What?" asked the other two. "How could you ever hope to substantiate THAT claim?"

"Well," he responded. "Who but a civil engineer would route a waste pipeline through the middle of a major recreational area?"
 
Three Nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you allled such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third, (who is far sighted) says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says."No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months. You should have brought your glasses .":eek:
 
One night at the bar ......

One guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he
met at a bar.

The woman looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking quite a bit, and
while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had
a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it.

So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into
his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they
enter, and she shouts upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?"
 
An elderly couple were visiting Israel, when towards the end of the trip the old woman suddenly passed away. The grieving husband was aproached by a rabbi who asked the man what he would like to do with the body of his loved one. Whaen asked what are his options, the rabbi replied: "Well, you can ship the body back home to US and have it burried there, but that's going to cost you $5000. Or, for just $150 you can burry your wife here, in the Holy Land.

The old man thought about it for a minute and decisively agreed to ship his wife's body back home. Are you sure? asked the rabbi. You can burry her here for much less and no trouble at all!

"You see, the man said, about 2000 years ago one man lived and died here. He was burried, but came to life after only 3 days. I can't take that chance.
 
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby replied; "I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold."
 
A young guy goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman before. Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says $121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
 
An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.






4l99vyc.jpg
 
Pride goeth before a feel

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She Spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a surefire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad? "

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 
One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...
 
A true rarity. A joke from LiveSquid. Bad word at the end.

Two weeks ago, the kids and I went on a trip to visit friends in San Antonio, Texas. On the way we stopped at a rest area just off the interstate. What happened next made me very uneasy...

I was drinking coffee heavily so that I would stay awake and needed to relieve myself pretty badly. I pulled into a rest area, locked the car doors, left the kids sleeping in the car, and went into the restroom. When I entered I noticed it was unoccupied except for a pair of sneakers visible under the second stall.

As I unzipped at one of the urinals and began to relieve my burning bladder I heard a voice say "Hey, what's up?". I looked around and there was no one else in the restroom. After a moments hesitation, I answered "Not much".

A little time went by and he says, "What ya doing?".

I didn't feel very comfortable talking to someone in a stall but I didn't want to be rude and answered, "Uh...we are heading to San Antonio to visit friends."

"Want to come over?", he says.

At this point I am really uncomfortable and I finish up and scoot over to the sink to wash up. "No I don't think so.", I replied. Wow, was this something else. I had never even had someone next to me with a wide stance before and now I've got someone in the stall asking me over!

As I reached for the paper towels to dry my hands I hear, "Hey man, can I call you back? There's some asshole in the bathroom answering every thing I say."
 
since when is "paper towel" a bad word?
 
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
 
But this isnt an email. Perhaps you should edit to say forum posts?
 
An 89-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great!
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light
goes off."

" WOW, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But, I had to call you as
I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets
up during the night, POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom and when
he's done POOF! the light goes off?"
"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims, "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
 
Don't drink the lemonade!
 
This guy walks into a bar wearing a Bucs jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Bucs jersey on with a little Bucs helmet, too.

The guy says to the bartender, ‘Can my dog and I watch the Bucs game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game’

The bartender replies, ‘Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I’ll have to ask you to leave.’ The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.

Pretty soon the Bucs kick a field goal and the dog jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.

The bartender says, ‘Hey, that’s cool! What does he do for a touchdown?’

The guys answers, ‘I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.’
 
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