(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

"get your thumb out of my food!' said the man

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your @ss?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
 
Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf.

He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish.

On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against

the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and

says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
 
Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a
Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of
being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody
to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring
that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat
him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the
remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the
child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the
University
of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of
beating anyone.

:rofl:

Go Bucks!
 
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Vincent's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news."

Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine; her blood work just come back as normal and her Physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****."
 
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank.."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
 
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that.


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn ( ORVILLE REDENBACHER 'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven. Door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!
 
For all the mamabears.......

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small, empty bowl.

“Who's been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

“Who's been eating my Porridge?” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?”

“It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...”

“I haven’t made the stupid porridge yet!”
 
This is a warning, the following joke is NOT Politically Correct.
If you are offended by non-PC jokes, stop reading NOW.













A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."
 
What has 132 feet and 8 teeth?






The front row at a Garth Brooks concert. :doh:
 
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?






None....the woman should have it opened by the time she brings it to him. :bigok:
 
So I says to my wife dressed like a rabbit for Halloween...

Bunny.........
 
The Fart Chart

1. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
2. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
3. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
4. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
5. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
6. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
7. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
8. CARELESS : Farts in church
9. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
10. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
11. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
12. CONFUSED : Is such an ***, fart can't tell which way to go
13. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
14. DARNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
15. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
16. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
17. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own
18. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
19. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
20. FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
21. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
22. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
23. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs
24. LAZY : Just fizzles
25. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
26. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
27. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass. Clear as a bell, smells acrid, and sounds like hell
28. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
29. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
30. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
31. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts
32. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
33. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
34. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
35. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
36. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
37. STINGY : Belches to save his ***-hole
38. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
39. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
40. TIMID : Jumps when he farts
41. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but stains himself
42. VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
43. WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
44. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who did it
 
Since I don't even have time to read them all I can't imagine the amount of free time the person who wrote a 44 item "fart chart" must have. He must be "45".
 
DanC said:
For all the mamabears.......

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small, empty bowl.

“Who's been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

“Who's been eating my Porridge?” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?”

“It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...”

“I haven’t made the stupid porridge yet!”
Click to expand...


LOVE IT! LOL
 
DanC said:
A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."
Click to expand...

LOL :claps: :ignore:
 
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
 
I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
 
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