(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
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precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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Cajun Gator Stunt
A Cajun walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then
the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll
open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will
buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth As the
crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar..
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
A Cajun walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then
the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll
open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will
buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth As the
crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar..
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
dbee
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Old Jokes! LOL Happy holiday's to all. :santaclaus:
An elderly gentleman.. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really !? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.. The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
An elderly gentleman.. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really !? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.. The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
dbee
L10 Deal Goddess
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Thoughts for today!
1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
2.. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
3 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
4. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
5 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything..
6. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
9. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
.
10 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night
1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
2.. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
3 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
4. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
5 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything..
6. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
9. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
.
10 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night
DanC
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Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
A Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."
A Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."
daredevil
John Galt, come save us!
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Why would a jackass be carrying two pigs? :hmmmm2:
You have your parties mixed up....Republicans are Elephants, Democrats are Jackasses............:noidea:
monkfish
Do not disturb my circles
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Then I suppose Dubya should've been a Democrat.
Which party is the margaritas?:cocktail:
Last edited:
DanC
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DanC
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man,
"But let me tell you about my weekend!
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man,
"But let me tell you about my weekend!
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a
busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front ofhim. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with
her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a Holding cell. After a
couple ofhours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She
was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.
:driver:
busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front ofhim. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with
her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a Holding cell. After a
couple ofhours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She
was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.
:driver:
precocious
Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it
is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy
asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should
help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man
does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need
a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the
reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
:rofl: I almost spit my pickle out reading that one! :rofl:
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it
is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy
asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should
help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man
does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need
a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the
reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
:rofl: I almost spit my pickle out reading that one! :rofl:
dbee
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Use the Word Fascinate
Little Johnny
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it.
A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''
The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''
Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''
The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''
So Little Johnny in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such
big boobs that she can only "fascinate" of the ten buttons on her shirt.''
Little Johnny
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it.
A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''
The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''
Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''
The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''
So Little Johnny in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such
big boobs that she can only "fascinate" of the ten buttons on her shirt.''
PugGirl
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The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies".
He asked, how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies ? About half held up their hands.
He repeated his question. Now about 80 percent of the congregation held up their hands.
Again, he repeated the question. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she said.
The preacher then asked "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, then says, "I outlived all those SOB's".
He asked, how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies ? About half held up their hands.
He repeated his question. Now about 80 percent of the congregation held up their hands.
Again, he repeated the question. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she said.
The preacher then asked "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, then says, "I outlived all those SOB's".