(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried,the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

"You're gonna try again."
 
A Priest and a Rabbi happen to be seated next to each other on a long flight. Both being men of the cloth, they quickly engage in a good-natured discussion on a variety of religious issues. Eventually, though, they became tired and fell silent.

After a few minutes, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Rabbi, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I was just curious - have you ever tasted pork?"

The Rabbi thought about the question for a short time, looked up to Heaven for inspiration, then said, "You know, Father, before I entered rabbinical school, I did stray from the straight and narrow path, and I did taste the flesh of the pig."

The Priest nodded his head in understanding and the two men fell silent again.

After a few minutes, the Rabbi turned back to the Priest, and asked, "Father, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I was just curious - have you ever had sex?"

The Priest thought about the question for a short time, looked up to Heaven for inspiration, then said, "You know, Rabbi, before I entered the seminary, I did stray from the straight and narrow path, and I did make love to a woman."

The Rabbi nodded his head in understanding and the two men fell silent again.

After a few minutes, the Rabbi turned back to the Priest and said, "Sure beats the Hell out of pork, doesn't it, Father?"
 
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?

Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a dwarf. He storms over to my car, he looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"...

and that's when the fight started . .LOL

:rofl: I got this in an email and have been rolling all morning! :rofl:
 
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
 
Subject: Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
 
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
 
Here's how we save the airlines.

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
 
Does Hillary support this "airline health plan" or is she really the one who thought of it?
 
Spoofee Rule 11(a) 102.3 subsection 4, paragraph 6 states:

The discussion of politics in the "joke thread" thread is strictly forbidden.
 
diGriz said:
Spoofee Rule 11(a) 102.3 subsection 4, paragraph 6 states:

The discussion of politics in the "joke thread" thread is strictly forbidden.
Click to expand...

Uh, yeah

Hey, there goes the dragon!!
 
DanC said:
I'm not going there, Jerry
Click to expand...

I just thought it was funny. Heaven forbid I would ever interject a controversial or political opinion :28:

And I would NEVER go against "Spoofee Rule 11(a) 102.3 subsection 4, paragraph 6". Goodness gracious no. :sus:
 
Or for that matter, violate Directive 10-289.
 
Political One-Liners

~ Annoy a politician today - THINK
~ If ignorance is Bliss, Washington DC must be Paradise!
~ I love my country. It's my government I fear.
~ Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
~ Don't steal. The government hates competition.
~ It's worse than you think and they ARE out to get you!
~ Sure you can trust the Government! Just ask an Indian!
~ Ignore your rights and they'll go away
~ Question Authority before it Questions You!
~ Civil Disobedience - It's not just for Revolutionaries anymore!
~ Power Corrupts - Isn't that what it's for?
~ Downsizing is good, right? Then let's fire Uncle Sam!
~ They're Lying...
~ Ignore the propaganda. Focus on what you see.
~ Stop repeat offenders Don't re-elect them!
~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and a winning smile for integrity!
~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW!
~ Never trust a government that doesn't trust YOU!
~ Freedom of Religion means ALL Religions
~ If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
~ A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers.
~ Guns didn't make America unsafe, Courts and Congress did!
~ Fight Organized Crime -- Don't Re-elect ANYONE!
~ This interoffice oversized air-conditioned vehicle leased to:
American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters / Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP)
 
DONT KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU TRY IT.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts
larger over the years?"



Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
 
dbee said:
...Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Click to expand...

I can't wait to try this on my wife... keep an eye on the NJ newspapers reporting my death.
 
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
 
A four-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied
 
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