(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

someone must kick butt at scrabble

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DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM





PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER





DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT





THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE





GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE





THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS





SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME





ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY





ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT





SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S





A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE





ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE






AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
 
'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'


Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is scream ing at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b*tch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday. :05:
 
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then, who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers. 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then, who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...
 
Why Men Have Better Friends

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
 
Husband and wife are shopping at the supermarket when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks it into the cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.


'They're on sale, only $10 for 12 cans', he says.


'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...


A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.


'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.


The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF BEER...AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!!'
 
Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your
pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was
that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.


The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.


"Yes, I do" she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.


"Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?"


"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"


"I remember that, too" she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...


"I would have gotten out today."
 
The Chauffer


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
Into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the
Driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would
You please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
Cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to
Drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be
something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a
smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose
my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I
need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big,"
said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit
of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief: " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
 
Little Johnny Learns Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"The Jack," says the kid.
 
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A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".
 
druvans said:
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".
Click to expand...



Funny LOL .
 
Are You The Father of One Of My Kids?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to the supermarket & notices a pretty woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather confused because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he's thinking back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife & says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I fooled around w/on the pool table w/ all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt w/ leather whips???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:


1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


The Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem
 
A new supermarket opened in my neighborhood.


It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of freshly mown hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there.
 
DanC said:
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


The Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem
Click to expand...


LOL have i told you yet today how much i adore you??? :like:
 
((In my best Elvis voice)

Thank You, thankyouverymuch!
 
The Coping Diet

THE COPING DIET

Only girlfriends can understand this one. This is specially
formulated diet
designed to help women cope with the stress that builds
during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.
 
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