(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

There once was a girl named Marie....

Whose bra size was merely a 'B'.

From the doctor she got

A silicone shot

And now she's a size Double 'D'
 
Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
In case someone wants black coffee.
 
There once was a fellow named Stan

Who knew he was no kind of man

To the doctor he went

Many dollars he spent

And now all his friends call him Fran.
 
Golfing


Sam stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed
An eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but
Didn't start his back swing.

Finally his partner asked, 'What's wrong Sam? Why you taking so long to tee off?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I
want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting
her from here'.
 
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"


The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."


So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"


The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"


The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"


The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.


His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes.


'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, But 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.
 
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.


"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?


"Morris Goldstein," he replied.


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"


"For about 60 years."


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."


"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "


"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked the reporter.


The man thought for a moment.


"Like I'm talking to a fricking wall."
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both
>married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
>sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
>they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
>and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
>saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
>into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
>
> 'I have a better idea,'she replied 'Just for tonight, let's
>pretend that we're married.'
>
> 'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
> 'Good,'she replied. 'Get your own fu*king blanket.'
>
> After or a moment of silence, he farted.
>
>
>
> The End
>
 
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
The Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my village local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first two.'
'Ahhh, dat's nothin,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another, and in fact all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you have sex for free. All on the house!'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me me-self, personally, no,' said the Irishman. 'But it did happen to me sister a few times.'
 
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
 
The Blonde replaces her windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them.

He was complaining that the windows had been installed a
whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy
had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo'? (I told him). It's been a year'!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
 
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.


'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.


'Who was that?' asked his wife.


'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.


'Did you help him?' she asks.


'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.


'Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.


'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.



'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.




'Where are you?' asks the husband.




'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
 
Making a baby


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
=0 D
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
 
Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No Lewinskies.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................*****.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
 
Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No Lewinskies.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................B****.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
 
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate. Barack looked at Hillary , Chuckled and said, “You know I could throw a one-thousand-dollar-bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten one-hundred-dollar-bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

John added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred ten-dollar-bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 300 million people very happy.”
 
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
 
7 Shades Of Blonde

1st Shade:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."


2nd Shade:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


3rd Shade:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


4th Shade:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."


5th Shade:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


6th Shade:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles, that was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."


7th Shade:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"
 
> > Subject: Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
> >
> >
> > A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> >
> >
> > Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> > Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> >
> > Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> >
> > Officer: Can I see your license please?
> >
> > Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
> >
> > Officer: Don't have one?
> >
> > Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> >
> > Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
> papers please.
>
> >
> > Older Woman: I can't do that.
> >
> > Officer: Why not?
> >
> > Older Woman: I stole this car.
> >
> > Officer: Stole it?
> >
> > Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
> owner.
> >
> > Officer: You what?
> >
> > Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
> trunk if
> you want to see
> >
> > The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to
> his car and
> calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
> A senior
> officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> >
> > Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
> please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
> >
> > Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
> >
> > Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
> stolen this
> car and murdered the owner.
> >
> > Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> >
> > Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
> your car,
> please.
> >
> > The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
> empty trunk.
> >
> > Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> >
> > Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> > The officer is quite stunned.
> >
> > Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not
> have a
> driving license.
> >
> > The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
> purse and
> hands it to the officer.
> >
> > The officer examines the license. He looks quite
> puzzled.
> >
> > Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
> didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
> murdered and
> hacked up the owner.
> >
> > Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding,
> too.
 
Missing Husband

Rick was in trouble -- He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused and curious, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new....BATHROOM SCALE.

Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.
 
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