(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

I was thinking more like - if you believe in god - then God created ignorant people for a reason - then why would s/he help them - isn't it contradictory.

I wasn't looking from political point of view - just from a logical pow
 
OMG! A joke thread! How did I miss this? I love jokes and am going to post a bunch LOL!
 
Man with a wodden leg

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween
party.He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his
head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his
problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following
note: Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden
leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of
complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and
a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long
robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head,
you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so
again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.The next day he
gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a
bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts,
stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.
 
When i'm 100, if i lean a little, let me!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.'
 
The Tie

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for
about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your frickin' brother won't let me in without a tie!'
 
What smells?

Maxine
took her car to her mechanic.



She
told him 'Every time I
Take any of my friends out in my car,



After a
while there is this terrible smell !! ...



It never
happens when I am driving alone'??

This intrigued
the mechanic, so he said,



'OK, lets
go for a spin
And see what the
problem is.' Off they went.



She drove
down a one-way street in the wrong direction



At 70 MPH,
swerving,



Hitting
the curb on both sides of the street,



Narrowly
missed three pedestrians in
Pedestrian
crossings,



Ran
several red lights,



And just
missed a Policeman on street traffic
duty.



Then, they
returned to the shop, and she
said,



'There it
is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell
it?'

'Smell it?



Lady, I'm
sittin' in it!!
 
Ways to turn down men!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like
yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the sa me tim e.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
 
Three Rednecks

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone

tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.


As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off

the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance

takes the body away,


Ronnie says, 'Well, darn, someone should go and

tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive

stuff, I'll do it.

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of

Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'



'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband

was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'


'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered

the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At This Sensitive Stuff
 
Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'
 
Only military persons can relate :)

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Twopoints in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of Hishead to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.



The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measuredfrom the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'




It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received..




But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did... The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam ..
 
When to start cussing!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know
what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.
'The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
astern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't
know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.


She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
 

Technology


Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP
UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE
EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP
IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER
WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH NOT TO BE OUT
DONE,
SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE
STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE
OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
 
First year students at UC Davis Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them; in veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a vet. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For example - the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing he told his students. The students freaked out hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When every body finished the professor looked at them and said, the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger, now learn to pay attention life’s tough it’s even tougher if you are stupid :eek:
 
Irish Millionaire




Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo.

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .'

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated
the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple ....it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?'

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!' :doh:
 
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
 
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...

garfield.jpg


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
*******12 Things you can only say at Thanksgving!******

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

04. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

05. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

06. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

08. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

09. You still have a little bit on your chin.

10. How long will it take after you stick it in?

11. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
!
12. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
 
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