(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam
said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.


And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
and God explained it to him.


Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a
cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?" and God explained that to him.


"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said,"I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.


So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes
he was back.


God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?
 
Have ya'll noticed the headaches are always the worst when you GUYS are around? It's like husbands are the "anti-advil". Besides, you all get so cranky if we just say "No, go away," so the "headache" story is actually us being nice to you so we don't hurt your feelings. :)
 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
 
cybermom said:
Have ya'll noticed the headaches are always the worst when you GUYS are around? It's like husbands are the "anti-advil". Besides, you all get so cranky if we just say "No, go away," so the "headache" story is actually us being nice to you so we don't hurt your feelings. :)
Click to expand...

How would I 'notice' your headache if I wasn't around?
Are you saying that your boyfriends don't give you headaches, just your husbands?:confused:
 
A sad passing:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.



Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
Subject: Great Punch Line







A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything
right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed
a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf
with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the
piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a
computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in
traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem
to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a
mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."
 
Speaking of...

Do you know why women get yeast infections?

From messing around with the Pillsbury Dough Boy. :eek:
 
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Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf...........

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'

Number 2 guy says, 'It cost me an arm and a leg, too. My wife is at home planning a cruise. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'

Number 3 guy says, 'Well. my wife is at home admiring her new car. Reading the manual.'

They all turned to the fourth guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf' ...

She said, 'Take a sweater. It'll be cold.'
 
A Blonde's Year in Review....

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing......couldn't find a lake with a slope

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'..... isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's..... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..... instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the
stupid phone!!!
 
Dad at the Mall
>
>
> I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new
> shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he
> was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
> The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
> green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
> would look and
> find him staring every time.
>
>
> When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
> 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
>
> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
> not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in
> classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
> 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just
> wondering if you were my son.'
 
Disorder In The American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
 
2rope86.jpg

:rofl:
 
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied,

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
 
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
 
Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing .

11. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

12. *Budweiser*
That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
 
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TAKE MEN TO THE STORE WITH YOU

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target.


Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women -
- she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.



Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom..

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
 
I don't see anything wrong with those
 
Men! :nonod: :nonod: :nonod:


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
 
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