(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Why don't moderators like making Kool-Aid?

Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?










...To get to the other side.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. time for bed.
 
34jdtfl.jpg
:tongue:
 
This old Jewish man marries a young woman. After 6 months of marriage they go see the Rabbi due to marital problems. The woman complains that the man cannot give her an orgasm. The Rabbi thinks for a while and comes up with the following solution: "Hire a young, strapping man and have him get naked. Give him a towel. Have him wave the towel over the woman while you make love to her. She will be so turned on by his motions she will have the orgasm."

So they go home and try it and it doesn't work. The man gets an idea. He tells the young strapping man to make love to his wife while he waves the towel. Minutes later the woman is having an orgasm. The old man looks at the young guy and says, "See? Now THAT'S how to wave a towel, you putz!"
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on,
Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."
 
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
> "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
>
> The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
> "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
>
> The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bit*h,
> you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
 
The Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
 
I guess everyone should have a good clear understanding of traffic signs and laws if you are going to be driving.







Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!'



So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'



The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? 'These women seem awfully shaken.'









'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.



We just got off Route 127.'
 
Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
 
The sad but funny part is..:yikes:...my husband would do everyone of those things.....:rofl:
 
A little girl walked to and from school daily.



Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.


As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child.


Full of concern, the mother quickly
got into her car and drove
along the route to her child's school.


As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.



Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.



When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her



'What are you doing?'


The child answered,
'I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.':angel:
 
traffic cameras



A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his
picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he
drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat a belt.

:rofl: :driver: :tongue:
 
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
B ubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
 
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
 
Who Died the Worst Death?
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
 
Catholic parishioner goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap & a selection of fine Irish whiskeys. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.



"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."



The priest replies "Get out! You're on my side!"
 
Monica Lewinsky

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. Lord.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed..

And just like that... Her ears fell off.
 
dbee, thank you for not posting that joke first thing in the morning. I would have spouted coffee all over my desk!



That was hilarious
 
DanC said:
dbee, thank you for not posting that joke first thing in the morning. I would have spouted coffee all over my desk!



That was hilarious
Click to expand...


I'm glad you liked it! :ear:

Thanks for posting "Things to do on an Elevator", I passed that on to all my email friends and they loved it. :clap:
 
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