(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

What Not to Say to a Policeman
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
 
Confucius Says

Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
 
The Knob

A woman
> >
> > visited a plastic surgeon who told her about
> > a new
> > procedure called 'The
> >
> > Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of
> > the woman's head and could
> >
> > be turned to tighten up her skin and produce
> > the effect of a new
> >
> > face-lift..
> > Of
> > course,
> > the woman wanted 'The
> > Knob.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Over the
> >
> > course of the years, the woman tightened the
> > knob, and the
> > effects were wonderful, the
> >
> > woman
> > remainedyoung looking and
> > vibrant.
> >
> > After fifteen
> >
> > years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
> >
> > problems.
> > 'All these
> >
> > years, everything has
> >
> > been working just fine. I've had to turn the
> > knob many times and
> > I've always loved
> >
> > the results. But now I've developed two
> > annoying
> > problems:
> > First,
> > I
> > have these terrible bags
> >
> > under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
> > them.'
> >
> > The doctor
> >
> > looked at her closely and said, 'Those
> > aren't bags, those are your
> > breasts.'
> >
> > She said,
> >
> > 'Well, I guess there's no point
> > in asking about the
> > goatee.'
 
That last one should be on the bagels and cream cheese thread.
 
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:









1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



4. A dog's parents never visit.




5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
:dog:
 
Parking Ticket

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him,'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said,'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.
 
Little boy at the nude beach

THIS IS PRICELESS... ..

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
 
2 Rednecks and logic!


Logic

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.

:star:
 
A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."
 
DanC said:
A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."
Click to expand...

That's not the way I hear'd it young fella. The way I hear'd it both blonds were outside the car and the one with the coat hanger was not having much luck getting the coat hanger to unlock the door. The other blond said to her, "you better hurry up, it looks like rain and we left the top down".
 
kidbooks.jpg
 
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who
inspected His sailors, and afterward told the Chief Bosun that his men
smelled Bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would
change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll
see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your
underwear.

Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with
Kwiatkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL:

Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington; but don't count
on things smelling any better!
 
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