(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Bobbitt Family Update



In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her
husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with.................





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A Misdewiener!
 
Joe “The Mailman” started his new route.

His first house has a ‘special delivery’ letter (needs a signature), so rings the bell …

An ugly old hag answers the door in her flannel nightgown and remarks “Why you look like Nat King Cole. Would you like to come in for a drink?” (wink-wink). “No, thank you” Joe replies, gets her signature and off he goes.

The next house has a ‘certified letter’ (needs a signature), so he rings the bell…

A middle age woman answers the door in her terry cloth robe and remarks “Why you look like Nat King Cole. Would you like to come in for a drink?” (wink-wink). “No, thank you” Joe replies, gets her signature and off he goes.

The next house has a ‘restrictive delivery’ (needs a signature), so he rings the bell…

An extremely attractive 25 year old model (falling out of her very revealing Teddy) answers the door and remarks “Why you look like Nat King Cole. Would you like to come in for a drink?” (wink-wink).

Without missing a beat, Joe replies “Ramblin' rose, ramblin' rose…”
 
Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women
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LOL...
 
Why computers should be considered masculine:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
 
Why computers should be feminine:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but serviceable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
 
Retirement

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women-she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Anna:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "'Code 3' in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers
he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission
Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK
ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled
very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


One of the clerks passed out.
 
A pirate walked into a bar,and the bartender said,"Hey I haven't seen you in awhile.What happened?You look terrible."

"What do you mean?"The pirate said,I feel fine.

"What about the the wooden Leg?" You didn't have that before.

Well said the pirate,"We were in a battle and I got hit by a cannon ball",but I'm fine now.

The bartender replied."well OK,but what about the hook?"What happened to your hand?

The pirate explained,"We were in another battle,Iboarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off,and I got fitted with this hook,but I'm fine really."

What about the eye patch?

Oh said the pirate,"One day we were at sea,and a flock of birds flew over,I looked up,and one of them crapped in my eye."


Your kidding,said the bartender."You can't lose an eye from bird crap."

The pirate said,"It was my first day with the hook."
 
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
 
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
 
Short Hillbilly Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
 
Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee."
 
The other day my neighbor,who is blonde,came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy.I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly,but I thought what the heck,and I joined in on the rejoicing.

She said,"I have really great news!!"

I said great,tell me why your so happy.

She stopped jumping around and after she caught her breath she exclaimed "I'm pregnant!"

Knowing they had been trying for awhile,I told her how happy I was for them.

Then she says "Theres more."

I asked,"What do you mean theres more?

She said"Well were not having just one baby,were gonna have twins!!"

Amazed,I asked how she knew so quick?
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She said, thats the easy part.I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit....in a TWIN-PACK, and both tests came out positive!!!!!
 
You might be a redneck if your jack-o-lantern on the front porch has more teeth than you do. :pumpkin:
 
A guy gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop says to the guy,"Your eyes are pretty bloodshot,have you been drinking?"

The guy says no,but asks the cop,"Your eyes are pretty glazed,have you been eating donuts?"
 
How do you treat homosexualism?.........
















































with homeopathic medications :rofl:
 
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